I don't know if anyone still reads this blog :) To be honest, blogging has lost its appeal for me. I knew it would come to this sooner or later.

A large part of my love for blogging was the making fun of everyday situations, being blatantly sarcastic or the ability to dream and rant about it.

I guess my life has changed. My circumstances haven't (ie, I still have no paying job, I'm still single, I'm still short-sighted). Things that used to be important to me suddenly aren't anymore. People that used to play a major role in my life have sort of faded into the background.

I still do catch myself making fun of situations, being sarcastic in my head and getting irritated with stupid things. But I've learnt to be level-headed, to be more agreeable, to see things through God's eyes.

I'll tell you this - the other day as I was going to work, it was as though my spiritual eyes were opened. Every single person I looked at, I felt the love of God for them. It wasn't just a warm fuzzy feeling. It was a tremendous emotion. To even call it just an emotion would be to undermine the intensity of the great love that God has for us. And I saw it. In every living, breathing human being that my eyes set on. In fact, the feeling was so great that I was afraid to look at them. I didn't want to look at them. Because the greatness of that love was overpowering. And it transcended race, religion, language, age, educational level. It transcended all of those things that we find so important, that we think determines our being. I was in absolute awe.

Something in me has died. And rightly so. The old has to make way for the new. It's taken me 23 long years to come to this. As I've mentioned before, this has been the hardest year of my life yet and I'm sure there are harder ones to come. I still find humour in everyday situations. I still laugh. I still make witty remarks. Or corny ones. But I think my heart has changed.

Every day is still a struggle to live righteously. But it is no longer fused with the intense desire to be someone in other people's lives. Pleasing people is appealing to me now not because I want to look good to them or because I want to feel good about myself. Pleasing people now comes because I want to love them. Mind you, I'm not talking about blind pleasing or about pandering to people's needs/wants. I guess I'm just learning to love people more now and love them as God does.

I'm still emotionally tired but I'm not cynical or depressed. The light at the end of the tunnel was there all along. I just never saw it because my eyes were shut.

Life isn't hell. But it isn't heaven either. We live and we learn. We grow and we mature. And one day, we learn that all the things we thought were important, well, they really aren't. And all the things we take for granted, we really should treasure.

And no, this doesn't spell the end of my blog. I'll still update from time to time :)

Signing off for now.