I just had a long chat over the phone with my mom's friend, discussing mom's condition. It's times like these I'm grateful for people who care, who show their support and concern for me and my family. It's really tough coping with mom's illness. Often, I'm at a loss for what to do and how to react. Many times, I let my anger and frustration get the better of me and I lash out at her. But I know it's not her fault because she doesn't know what she's doing or saying anymore.

I guess if there's one thing I missed out on in my life, it's having a mother. The way our relationship went, I never really knew what it was like to have one and now that she's sick, I guess I'll never know. Maybe when I get married, I might find one in my mother-in-law. But it's never the same you know? Am I sad or do I feel shortchanged? I don't know. Maybe a little. I've always been slightly jealous of girlfriends who have great relationships with their mothers. And I've always found the whole "maternal bond" thing far-fetched and hyped-up. But then they say us females are generally more "daddy's girls". I mean, my dad isn't perfect but he's both mom and dad to me. And I really appreciate him for that. He's a role model.

I don't know what happens from here. I'll just hang in there and watch the circus go on.