I think my state of being is becoming more apparent to the people around me. Or people who know me well. I'm not in a very good place at the moment. And I can't for the life of me explain why. Perhaps my brain has been eroded by alcohol or engulfed in thick cigarette smoke. I like to think that we all come to this stage at some point in our lives. And it will not be just once either. However, I don't think it's feasible to remain in this state for an extended period of time. I'm just too tired to do anything about it now. I hate to say this but it's hard to be a good girl. It's hard to try so hard all the time. It's hard to be obedient to the call. So very hard. And I feel like I've been trying for the longest time but at the end of the day, I'm at square one. I'm unhappy, unfulfilled, unsatisfied. And though they provide little relief, alcohol and loud music do blank out my problems for a few hours (because I become Pauline Hanson, remember?). But after that, it's back to my spiritual dearth.

For so long, I've wanted a running mate - someone to go the distance with me. A buddy, mentor, whatever you want to call it. After a while, I gave up the search, disappointed. There was just no one I could open myself up to completely, with absolute trust and confidence. I'm not looking for one anymore. I'm sapped of energy. Besides, I've been running the race alone all my life anyway. I'm an escapist. Mostly, I keep myself occupied with many, many things just so I won't have the time to think about stuff that's actually pretty important.

I think I'm also pretty disappointed at how my last relationship turned out. No, make that VERY disappointed. I'm extremely disappointed with him, with the way I was treated, with the excuses, the lies, the bullshit. And I'm totally disappointed at how he went on to become the third party and broke up another couple. I'm disappointed at how he found himself in another relationship barely 3 months after he told me he didn't know how to handle relationships anymore. I may sound like I'm bitching. I probably am. But I don't know how else I can vent the terrible anger that's building up within me. I don't think I've ever been this angry at a single person before.

So after going through years of disappointment and hurts, I've come to a place where I just want to be happy. I simply want to be allowed to do whatever it is that I want, if it will make me happy. But it's a very dangerous place to be. It's akin to walking into the battlefield completely unarmed. But I'm too tired to put on the armour anymore. And there's no one to help me put it on. And you know how heavy armour can be. And what a drag it is to walk around with a suit of steel all the time.

My strength is gone from me. And that's when the midnight madness takes over.