I've never felt so far away from God before. It's an extremely scary feeling. Suddenly, I'm walking alone. I'm by myself in the vast unknown. No hand to hold, no one before me, no one behind me. It's incredibly scary. It's all your insecurities hovering over you, swallowing you up at the same time. To not know where you're headed for eternity is a horrible, horrible feeling.

At the same time, there's an image to be upheld. I'm in a position of leadership. I had cell responsibilities. I'm actively serving in church. I can't let people see the distance between God and myself. So what happens? The defense mechanisms lock in place. Everyone else is wrong, everyone else is against you, everything becomes personal. It's not a good position to be in. At all.

So this morning, I decided I needed to make my peace with God. Not for anyone. For myself. For my relationship with the most important Person in the world, the most important Person in my life. I can't waste away. I will not waste away. I refuse to stop loving Him. I refuse to give up my God.

It will not be an easy journey. I've struggled so much these few years. I've been shaken up, slapped in the face, shoved, stabbed, punched (none of them literally)... I've come too far to let it all go. I'm not ashamed to say I'm going through all this, or that I've been through all this. I'm not ashamed to say that my relationship with the Lord is not perfect and is far from it. I've made a commitment to Him and I need to stick to it. It's so, so, so difficult and I'm gonna need all the help I can get. So if anyone's reading this, here's my plea - walk with me in my journey. For too long, I've tried to please man. It doesn't work. Please, if anyone of you is trying to please man before God, it DOESN'T WORK. Been hurt too many times to want to see people go down that same path. Don't do it.

I'm the prodigal daughter. Now I know what it feels like. As I said before, I've NEVER been so far from God before (except in my pre-Christian days). But I'm slowly making my way back. And it feels good :) I don't want it to be just a romantic feeling. There will be times when it's a very active choice. A deliberate decision. A leap of faith. In essence, a commitment. And it's the same in every kind of relationship isn't it?

Thank God for His grace and faithfulness.