I don't remember the distance from the hotel to the MRT station ever being so long. The street went on forever. And so I walked. And I walked. And each step was weighted by the sight of happy couples clutching bouquets of flowers in every colour possible. And if they were not clutching flowers, they were clutching each other's hands. And I held in the tears that threatened to betray my cool aloofness. I held it in pretty well. I've had practice.

Boss asked if I had any plans tonight. If "my boy" had arranged anything. My heart murmured, "there is no boy", my lips replied, "I'm going home for dinner". On my way out, my colleague asked if I had anything special planned for the night. I said no, smiled, and told her to enjoy her evening.

If you've ever had your heart broken, you'll understand the complex emotions involved. Because it's not just your heart that's broken but a part of you has been altered forever. Such is the impact of anyone who's ever meant anything to you. That's what I think at least.

8pm. I'm still on the train wondering how this happened to me. How I went from being deliriously happy to devastatingly sad. How one person could have made me experience such contrasting emotions. It would only be possible if that person meant a lot to me. I guess he did. He still does. And he knows it. There is no need for me to say any more because I've said all I could say. There's nothing I can do anymore.

Well-meaning friends tell me he'll call. Or at least sms. To each one, I smiled (even on the phone) and said, "you don't know him like I do". I know he's not going to call. Or sms. Because he wants to show me that we're only friends. It's funny how he can be so firm about that but so undecided on whether to be with me or not.

Lest you think he's the bad guy, he's not. There is no bad guy in this picture. Nor bad girl for that matter. I've always felt it's a waste of time to apportion blame. So what if you determine who's at fault? It doesn't change anything and it doesn't help matters. To blame someone is to shirk all responsibility. Blaming isn't love. I don't blame someone I love.

I remember an sms that said, "I'm willing to work through our problems rather than give up because I think we have something". I wonder if it's still applicable, if it still holds any worth.

I hope it does.