The last post was abruptly ended because I realised that I had to leave the house in 10 minutes and I hadn't changed or decided what to wear to the musical. Not that it mattered.

Carrying a heavy heart. I absolutely hate that. As I've said before, it's incredibly difficult to love in difficult situations.

My day has been cr** (when you think about what that word means, it's really quite vulgar. Hence the asterisks. Mel doesn't do vulgarity. Well, except in very extreme circumstances. And even then, they're relatively mild terms. Gave up using the potent F word a few years ago. Cheryl, you may actually have been the lucky last one to hear me say it. Remember the tense dinner at your flat in Perth? Actually, that means the entire dinner table heard it.. haha.. so you're not lucky last after all).
The highlight of my day was the musical itself. Other than that, it's been a terrible day.

I find myself saying, "Forget it. I'm not going to care anymore". And that scares me. I think it's scary when someone stops caring. It means that person has given up. On the subject of his/her care and on himself/herself. Giving up on people is something I've had to deal with in recent years. What do you do when your cell members don't respond? When your work as a cell leader is less than pleasant, is drawing criticism, is seemingly fruitless? What do you do? Believe me, the temptation to give up was so real, so very very real. Worse, it was easy. So easy to give up. I didn't want to though. So I grudgingly hung on. Held on to hope. Continued believing. Taught me a few lessons although one should never do anything grudgingly. I had to learn to love. And I learned that I could dislike someone but still love them. THAT was very difficult.

So now I'm here again. Back to square one. I want to give up. I want to let go. I don't want to care anymore. Why am I doing this to myself?

Because I am flesh and blood, made in the image of my Father.

I really don't want to come across preachy ok? It's just that I'm clinging to my faith. I need it to help me get through this. I need HIM to help me get through this.

I wouldn't be surprised if none of you know exactly what situation I'm talking about. I realise that I am being vague. But like I said, Mel doesn't comfortably discuss issues of the heart online. Especially when my family may be reading this.

ARGH. I feel like bingeing. On ba gua (Mom bought 2 packs after watching "I Not Stupid" over and over. She's still at it. Day after day after day she's watching it. Again and again. I can memorise the actors' lines now. And the subtitles. BOTH English and Chinese). I know I shouldn't though. Eating because you're depressed really perks you up (don't know about you but I get perked up) but it's not healthy. And my body and face will scream when I look in the mirror tomorrow.

Ok, I'm going to end my post here because I don't forsee my fingers running across the keyboard to produce nice, meaningful words. I need my sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be better.