you know how sometimes, you just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel? when some days are just so dark it feels as though the sun has been switched off? people say, "it's ok, things aren't as bad as they seem". perhaps not. not to them. you know how ally mcbeal says her problems are the biggest in the world simply because their hers? yup. my problems may not be huge when compared to the nuclear weapons disagreements between iraq and america. my problems are definitely not bigger than the bombings in pakistan and india. and of course, the miss world carnage in nigeria definitely makes my problems look pathetic. but my problems are huge to me simply because they are MY problems.
i'm not going to say it's-not-fair-why-do-i-have-to-go-through-all-this because everyone has their problems. i'm certainly not undermining the problems of other people. but i think i'm allowed to talk about my problems because this is my blog. haha.. that's the only thing that's made me smile so far. my blog. mineminemineminemine.
so i think i've given out a big clue that things aren't going very well in my life right now. since i came back to singapore, really. somehow, the fairytale just ended. the fantasy stopped and reality smacked me in the head. I wish it would smack me harder and knock me unconscious or something. maybe if i'm unconscious, i can go back to dreamland and things will be the way i'd like them to be.
sigh. yet i'm reminded to be joyful in all circumstances. sigh. you know how hard that is? i'm sure you do. it's never easy to be joyful in bad times. it's the christmas season though. everyone's supposed to be a bit more cheerful and jolly and giving and kind and loving and caring.
imagine you're a kid. and the cookie jar is on the top shelf. you take a stool, climb on it and stretch your tiny arms as high up as possible. you're an inch short of reaching the jar. and the jar's got your favourite chocolate chip cookies. delicious, decadent and delightful. but you can't reach it. you're so near but so far. and to you, that inch is like a mile. it is the longest distance in the world. because you want something so much but can't have it. and no one's going to give you a boost. no one's going to come along and lift you up to that shelf. because no one's at home. and no one knows how much you want the cookies. just one cookie will do. just one. but nobody sees you. nobody sees what you go through to get to that jar. nobody sees you cry yourself to sleep. nobody knows that you're not trying to be greedy. you just want to be happy. nobody knows that you haven't been happy in a long time.

these are some of the darkest days of my life. maybe i just need a little light. just a little.