"Houston, we've made contact"

I have a problem with physical contact. No, not just close contact. Even an accidental-brush-type contact makes me uncomfortable. See, I was on the bus today when this older-than-middle-aged lady sat down next to me. She kept turning this way and that and brushing against me in the process. I was not a happy chappy.

But I've not always been this way. I remember holding the hands of my family members when I was little. I remember Mom giving me kisses and me giving Mom kisses. Along the way though, the discipline that I was subjected to in my formative years led me to develop an almost severe dislike for my family members. Frequent public humiliation (not just in front of the extended family. We're talking shopping centres here..) made me very insecure and my self-confidence never developed. As a result, I built a wall of pride to protect myself. I had to show them that they couldn't hurt me, that I was unfazed. The result of this developed pride was the dislike for any form of physical contact. If any of them even so much as touched my hand, I'd grudgingly rub that hand against my shirt in front of them. To show them that I had to clean my hand and didn't like them touching me. I didn't like any form of contact, accidental or not, that could be construed as affection.

The stings are still there, albeit not as painful. I realise this is a form of bondage that I need to break free of. I know I can't keep blaming everything on my past, on the way I was brought up. And I guess I don't anymore. I'm not angry anymore. I just see it in a very matter-of-fact light - "this happened to me when I was young, now it's affected the person I've become. Action=Consequence." But that's it. I'm not heaping blame on anyone. It's over. I sometimes still find myself lightly brushing of the area where my body has had physical contact with someone, but it's more of a reflex action than anything.

I have some gal pals who are very physical with their friends and enjoy holding hands when going out. I'm not exactly comfortable with that. And I'm particularly uncomfortable when any of my gal pals interlock their fingers with mine. I only interlock fingers with someone special, not with another girl. And especially not with an ordinary guy friend (but if you tried to, I wouldn't pull my hand away. That would be really rude). People who know my dislike for physical contact have asked, "how is your boyfriend going to kiss you next time?" Uh, people, that's an entirely different matter. Entirely different :)

I'm a leeetle more open to physical contact now as I realise that more and more of my girlfriends are getting physical (hey hey, don't think funny. I know it sounds weird). Well, not really more open. I'd say, more used to it. I guess sometimes, a touch can speak more than a thousand words (oooh... philosophical...)

I'm trying.