I had a really bad day with little peeks of sunshine here and there. Started out bad because of unresolved conflict between the boss and the slave (me lah). Conflict got resolved eventually but at the end of the work day, my mother decided to go missing. It's a long story but we found her eventually. But not before I played out so many scenarios in my head. What if she wandered into the middle of the road and got run down by a car? Or if some thugs mugged her? Or maybe she walked and walked and walked and got lost?

By the time we found her, I was both relieved and agitated. And I needed to release all that pent up frustration. So I went to my room, closed the windows and door and screamed into my pillow. And I screamed and screamed and used my pillow to hit the wall and various other unbreakable things. I was breaking down. If I had had my Valium at home, I would have taken it. Note to self - now that I have 2 packs, I really should leave one at home.

The next bit is the worst bit. My mom heard me screaming. And I heard her laughing at me outside. The worst thing happened after that. I flung the door open and screamed at her, pillow still in hand. I'm not proud of that. Of course I regret it. But at that precise moment of anger and pain, when she laughed at me, I lost it. Something inside me snapped and I lashed out in unprecedented anger. I love her. But I lost my head and yelled at her. That was not cool. And I'm not afraid to admit that I shouldn't have done that.

I'm not sure if I'm okay. Screaming at my mom affected me quite a bit. I'm a little dazed still. And yes, I'm also worried about my own mental health. I can't believe I'm blogging about this so candidly. But here you go, me at my most vulnerable.

Oh, I did mention little peeks of sunshine didn't I? Well, they came from people who showed concern for Mom when I told them she was missing. Anyway, I should probably go rest my swollen eyes. I think I've gone bonkers enough for the day.

I've got issues.