I am in a very bad mood. I was thinking of not blogging about it but then I thought, whatthehey, what's the use of my blog if I can't rant on it?

So I am in a bad mood because I received a note from someone telling me that she had an issue with me. Which is fine, I appreciate the honesty. Except that she said the incident happened a week ago and that now she was over it. Ok. Here's where it started to get me a little annoyed. I think that if you have an issue with me, you should let me know. Pronto. Let's nip it in the bud, resolve it there and then. Not wait a week when you're over it, then come tell me that you were unhappy with me.

And she wrote that it was a really small incident that she shouldn't have got upset over because it was so silly anyway. Basically, her problem with me was over a remark I passed in jest during a game of Bridge. But she had had a long day at work and she wasn't feeling all that chipper. Fine, I understand that. I have those days too. But here's the killer - a few days before the incident, I had sent her an sms out of the blue, just telling her that I was very encouraged by her and her passion for the underprivileged and basically cheering her on to keep doing the great stuff that she's doing. In the note she wrote me, she said she was so disappointed at my change in attitude. That I could be so encouraging a few days before and make such a nasty remark a few days later. I was really upset about that. Firstly, I don't even remember the remark I made during the Bridge game. When I asked the other players who were there, they recalled that it was when she had played her cards wrongly and we all teased her about it. So ok, I teased her. I acknowledge that. But to put me down and say that she couldn't believe my extreme attitudes? I was really upset.

The other thing I did not appreciate was her digging up the past. She asked if I made that remark because I bore a grudge against her for the time she betrayed my trust (a long time ago). I mean, ?!?!? What?? What has my teasing her got to do with this other thing a long time ago?? And it was just a silly Bridge game. I teased her because she played her cards wrong. Not because she told my ex-boyfriend something I had told her in confidence. I mean, any normal person can tell that these two things are VERY un-related.

So at the end of it, I tried my best to ignore her. She said the note was not meant in any negative way. I'm sure it wasn't. Just that it wasn't delivered in the most positive way either. Neither was it an intelligent, properly thought-through process. I told her that I would have a talk with her. But not today. Not now. Not when I'm still peeved. And upset. I mean, she made me cry! The last person who made me cry was my ex and he was a jerk. She is one of the last people I expected to bring me to tears.

I am still trying to come to terms with the whole thing. I still think it's stupid and trivial. I think it's a mountain out of a molehill. But I think that such situations are a test of my character. How I respond to her is going to speak volumes about me as a person who's also a forgiven sinner. I may be hurt by her and upset with her actions but we both live on the same grace given to us by the same Father. And I just need to learn how to exhibit that grace. I'm not running away from any responsibility here. I know I must have hurt her for her to have written those words and I know I must apologise for that. At the same time, I feel really wronged. But that's where self-righteousness comes in, I guess. And that's where I need to look beyond myself. Beyond the holier-than-thou attitude. Somehow, it's a lot harder this time. It's a lot harder to forgive because I really feel very wronged. Deep down inside, I haven't accepted that it's my fault. But since when has reconciliation and forgiveness been about who's at fault?

Ok, I think I'm a lot calmer now. Typing all this out has helped me in my thought process somehow. It's been therapeutic. Now I just need to touch base with the One who's going to see me through this.

Life is not a bed of roses.