Hats off to Sarah for still checking my blog even though I haven't updated in half a year!

Anyway, Lil's party tonight... I love Christmas parties... I'm going to bring a bottle of wine. Kiat said (more like threatened) I'd better not bring the expensive port he bought for my dad from DFS. Haha.. it's ok, I'm bringing my beloved Brown Brothers crouchen riesling. I like my rieslings, I do.

Well, I'm going on my block leave this coming week. Only downside is that I only have about 4 days to myself because retreat starts on Friday. I'm not really looking forward to it because it's become so expected and mundane. But I AM looking forward to the 4 days I get to do my own stuff. Amongst them would be to:

1. Relax at Spa Esprit and finish up my package.
2. Get my hair permed. Again.
3. Go to Sentosa. I like going there cos it makes me feel like I'm on holiday when I'm not really.
4. Go to the Jewel Box and see how tacky or romantic it really is. Somehow, the idea of "real" snowfall in Singapore raises my eyebrows a bit. Frankly, the real thing isn't all that magical to shout about because it just leaves your hair wet after the snow has melted. Still, I have high hopes for that place.
5. Go watch a movie.
6. Go shopping!!! Christmas gifts to be bought!
7. Sleep.
8. Sleep.
9. Sleep.
10. Snooze.

That'll be all for the day.

Is it just me or does it seem like everyone's living a more fulfilled life? I can't put my finger to it - to why I'm so unfulfilled. Am I in the wrong job? Maybe. Do I want to do something more worthwhile? Certainly. Am I brave enough to do that? No.

So is that it? Does it all boil down to a lack of courage then? How can I be happy? And by happy, I mean content, fulfilled, at peace, smiling. Is that what joy is? Am I not experiencing joy? I've got so many questions and no answers whatsoever. And I feel like time is ticking. I'm 26. Some people are living it up at 26. Others are brilliantly successful. Some are married with 3 kids. Who is my yardstick? Do I need a yardstick?

I want to spend my life doing something I really enjoy. Something I'm passionate about. That's it. Passion. I think that's the key to my questions. I don't really have a passion for anything. I'm not passionate enough about something to want to do it, to want to fight for it. I don't consider my tai tai aspirations a passion either. It's a nice-to-have but not a must-have.

It would be lovely to just be a columnist. But then don't we all want to be columnists? Everyone thinks they've got the best sense of humour, the driest wit, the sexiest sentences, the smoothest catchphrases. Everyone's got an opinion and those who do want to be heard. Which makes it everyone.

How do I go about finding my passion? I think you've just got to experiment with a whole bunch of different things to find out what you really like. Unfortunately, in our culture, it's frowned upon to hop from one job to another, from one industry to the next. You're told to stick it out no matter how tough it is because if you don't, it means you can't handle the hardship. You're not made of sterner stuff. You're a quitter. You don't know what you want.

But that's just it right? You DON'T know what you want, therefore you have to try new things. Is it a crime to not know what you want yet? Some people live and die not ever having found a passion in life. Because they didn't want to be a quitter. Because they chose to stick it out in a job they didn't like so that they could prove their mettle. But they lived and died unhappy.

I don't want to be like that. I don't want to come to the end of my life and realise what a fat waste of time it was. I want to find my passion. But how? I don't have the courage to. I'm in a pathetic Catch 22.

My colleague tells me that attitude is a choice. You can hate your job but adopt the attitude to love it. I don't buy that one bit. If I hate beansprouts, I can't force myself to develop a congenial attitude towards it. I just order food without beansprouts. It's as simple as that. But stepping out of your comfort zone to explore your options is a lot more complicated than ordering food sans beansprouts.

In a nutshell, I'm a coward with a big mouth.