Had dinner at the hotel with Queenie last night. She says I look more grown up each time she sees me... haha.. Well, technically, I am a little older each time we meet up :) The last time I saw her was at Ernie & Wen's wedding in December. So last night, we shared a little, updated each other, talked, ate, talked, ate, ate, ate... good stuff, the fellowship. I'm so proud of the way she's handled life's curveballs and allowed the Lord to be sovereign in her life. It's something I've tried to do for so long and perhaps have given up doing. It gets harder and harder as you grow up and lose that childlike simplicity of faith, as you succumb to the temptations of the world, as you give in to self and as you meet people who don't subscribe to the same principles. Recently, a new friend I made asked me what I do on the weekends. I replied that I go to church, to which he said, "You must be a pretty good, decent, honest person. At this age, to still go to church, you're pretty decent." And I thought about that and felt a little sad. His take was that people our age aren't really into religion anymore. But it's not about religion. It really isn't. It's a relationship. A deep personal relationship with God. And yes, I feel so hypocritical for saying this now. I really do. But I know what my faith stands for, even though I'm not the best example of it.

Here's something I wrote when I was in Perth. One of my first songs that I showed Louella and got her stamp of approval for. I remember her being quite strict about what songs could be "released", and rightfully so. Anyway, here it is:

More Of You

I am so unworthy, Lord
Apart from You I can boast of nothing
There's too much of me in my life
Won't You shine Your light
Into the darkness of my soul
And fill me with more of You
More of You

Lord fill me more each day
Reach into my heart
I want more of You
Less of me
More of You in me.

My time in Perth was certainly fruitful. Whether or not it was just a one-off remains to be seen.

Stay tuned, folks.

The bad thing about baking cookies is that you know exactly what goes into them. And the guilt when you sink your teeth into one of those sugar-fat bombs is tremendous. I've been punishing myself by eating the awful product of my seemingly retarded baking skills. However, although the texture of my cookies is not unlike that of fractured meteorite rocks, the taste is rather charming. It grows on you. Much like the way an ugly baby grows on its mother.

So now, I have vowed to eat healthy for the weeks to come. Repentance is key to a torrid affair with the oven. It will be salads and fruit for me from now. Until the day I get seduced once again by the allure of the rolling pin, I will be a humble weight-watcher. Hello Sarah Ferguson.

For those interested, the retreat was good. Short, but good. Food was good. Company was good. Table tennis was good. Driving range was good. Pool was good.

Good. God was good.

Wonderful.

From tomorrow, I will be at a retreat in Malaysia. Be back on Sunday. Strange that I'm going on a spiritual retreat when I don't feel the least bit spiritual. Maybe that's why I need a retreat? Something inside me is dying. I think it's that innocent, childlike spirit. My childlike faith. Slowly but surely ebbing away. It's sad isn't it, when you lose yourself this way? I feel so dead inside. So utterly and completely dead.

And I have no one to blame but myself.

BRB.

I just had a long chat over the phone with my mom's friend, discussing mom's condition. It's times like these I'm grateful for people who care, who show their support and concern for me and my family. It's really tough coping with mom's illness. Often, I'm at a loss for what to do and how to react. Many times, I let my anger and frustration get the better of me and I lash out at her. But I know it's not her fault because she doesn't know what she's doing or saying anymore.

I guess if there's one thing I missed out on in my life, it's having a mother. The way our relationship went, I never really knew what it was like to have one and now that she's sick, I guess I'll never know. Maybe when I get married, I might find one in my mother-in-law. But it's never the same you know? Am I sad or do I feel shortchanged? I don't know. Maybe a little. I've always been slightly jealous of girlfriends who have great relationships with their mothers. And I've always found the whole "maternal bond" thing far-fetched and hyped-up. But then they say us females are generally more "daddy's girls". I mean, my dad isn't perfect but he's both mom and dad to me. And I really appreciate him for that. He's a role model.

I don't know what happens from here. I'll just hang in there and watch the circus go on.

I went for my first pilates class today. It's not as easy as it looks. In fact, it looks almost effortless but is actually more than slightly demanding. But it was fun and I'm looking forward to my next class :)

Before class, boss and I had a really quick dinner at the hotel cafe but we filled up on veal, lamb, prawns, top shell, chicken, frogs' legs, calamari, salads and yummy desserts! We were eating really quickly 'cos I didn't want to be late for class (I hate walking into a class in session and having everyone stare at you as you come in and lay your mat on the floor). Dinner was fabulous and thankfully, we had to work out after that! But I felt so guilty about all the food I ate that I walked back to City Hall from Bugis to take a train instead of taking it at the Bugis station. Not that it was very much further away. I just wanted to make myself feel better.

So I think it worked. I'm feeling great, I hope I'm looking great, and I think I'm doing great. Life is wonderful at the moment. Haven't got a care in the world. Wonderful.

Absolutely wonderful :)

So I've got an upcoming wedding to attend this Saturday. And I'm done wondering if I'll ever get married because I just realised a while ago that I'm not ready to settle down. I'm having too much fun to get serious :) So that's a good thing 'cos I won't keep obsessing about finding Prince Charming on his whiter-than-SKII-whitening-mask horse. I am having fun and I just hope I get as much out of my twenties as possible, before I turn into an obsessive-compulsive-middle-aged-matron.

I feel like I'm really experiencing life now. Like I've just been let out of a cage. I spent so many years behaving myself, trying to be the good girl, living up to everyone else's expectations, doing the whole go-to-uni-get-a-degree-and-then-a-groovy-job thing. I don't think I've enjoyed myself yet. I'm not saying the whole process of doing the above was not enjoyable. Most of it was. But I'm saying that I haven't let myself go. I haven't released myself to be myself, to do the things I always wanted. I want to wake up and feel absolutely sensational. I want to run with the wind (ok, take the drama out of that) and shout my lungs out in the middle of a busy New York street. I realise that at the end of all this, I may end up back at square one, feeling no less fulfilled. But I want to experience life. I want to LIVE. I want to stop being a repressed fuddy-duddy. Just for once. I want to BE.

Just for once.

You know what? I just realised that I partied every Saturday in February, save for one where I had a quieter night at Wala Wala, Essential Brew and prata supper with Pete, Nic and Drew. Thinking about it makes me tired already. So tonight, the first Saturday of March, I am happy to report that I will be a good girl and stay home. Partly also because I'm quite broke. Unless you want to buy me a couple of beers :)

Anyway, I absolutely love "The Reason". I have no idea why. I just love love love it. Especially when a good band does it. Like Unexpected at Wala.

The Reason (Hoobastank)

I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
I've found a resaon for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new

And the reason is you [x4].

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you.

I love the intro to this song too. I love love love this song. Lalalalala...

I've had the craziest weekend of my life. Things that have never happened to me before suddenly happened all in one night. And I've got all these thoughts and feelings running through my mind. I'm deliriously happy but annoyingly hesitant. And scared.

For some reason, I feel like I've lost some friends. I haven't been hanging out with a certain group of people lately. Simply because I don't seem to want to anymore. And it appears that my absence isn't that terribly missed anyway. I'm finding it easier and easier to make excuses not to spend time with them and/or fulfill my obligations to them as a member of that group. I feel awkward when I'm with them. And I have a nagging feeling that they have been talking behind my back. I also highly doubt that they're even the slightest bit concerned about me or what's been going on in my life.

Now if you look at the previous paragraph again, you would be forgiven for thinking that it came straight out of a fourteen year-old girl's diary. Perhaps the things that have happened recently have brought out the fourteen year-old in me. But I have to say that I'm disappointed in a number of people.

Typing all this out helps to alleviate the tension a bit. But I'm still peeved.

Peeved, I tell you.