I'm in a terribly anti-social mood.
There are heaps of people at my place.
Half of them I don't know.
Bad combination, you think?

In essence, I'm feeling out of place in my home. Then again, this isn't really my home, is it?

Cackling outside. Has anyone ever noticed how irritating cackles are? Especially the high-pitched ones. You just want to grab the cackler by her neck and make sure she never cackles again (I use "she" and "her" because it's usually the girls who cackle. I've been known to cackle myself so this may sound a tad hypocritical).

So no, I'm not in a fantastic mood. I'm not in a great mood. I'm not even in a good mood. I'm in a relatively foul mood. The sound of human voices is making me irritable. I just want to be alone. Yet not. I feel ill. Not the best time to be ill, considering I'm leaving for Albany tomorrow.

Too many people, too crowded, too anti-social. Not in a good mood. But then I must have said that a thousand times. Right, I think I got my point across.

Yes yes.. I took another quiz... (what IS this girl doing with her life??). Couldn't help it. C'mon, all you closet trashy magazines fans out there. Admit that you LIKE doing all those relationship quizzes and the what-personality-type-are-you type things... heh heh... Annnyway, here we go, courtesy of Mr Warmsocks:

Take the Which Spider-Man Character Are You? quiz by ZyberGoat

Bouncing babies aren't always cute. Or funny. They are snot-filled. And they can't aim nor control the release of their snot. So I thought a tiny tot on my lap while I rushed a very late cell report would inspire me. Don't even ask why I thought that. Apparently, I didn't get inspired. Oooh nope. I did get more than I bargained for though.

Took another test. I must be very free or very insecure (ha!) - tongue-in-cheek ah... don't take me so seriously. Anyway, this is what it says:

You're a frustrated rebel. James Dean trapped in an accountant's body.
You
bend the rules for relief from the tedium, but you don't completely let
yourself go. Even as a child, you played ring-and-run only when the
neighbours were away. Admit it, you sometimes chafe at the restrictions
you put on yourself. For you, being a good person takes priority over
being a 'good time'. Your halo may slip from time to time, but you're
not
slow to straighten it. Oh, you're not 'holier than thou,' you're more
'I really shouldn't…' All of your efforts have paid off: your friends
trust you, know you're reliable and would probably walk bare foot over hot
coalsfor you. Of course, you could be a little slower straightening that
halo once in awhile. Believe us, it won't hurt!

I believe you.

Hmm.. someone outside just shouted, "Please bring me an onion!!" Feeling a little anti-social tonight, are we?

Hungry. Going to scavenge for food. Ciao.

Just checked my guestbook. I'm a happy girl :) Yes Lil, we'll share graduation photos.. in fact, I could mail some to you too. Thanks Clarence :) Miss you buddy!!! I'm coming back on the 6th of October now. Will arrive on the 7th in the wee hours of the morning. Your coffee kaki is back in action :)

There's a party on at my place tonight for the "Splattered" cast and crew. It should be fun :) I love it when parties are held at my place... :) Will update more soon.

I've never felt so far away from God before. It's an extremely scary feeling. Suddenly, I'm walking alone. I'm by myself in the vast unknown. No hand to hold, no one before me, no one behind me. It's incredibly scary. It's all your insecurities hovering over you, swallowing you up at the same time. To not know where you're headed for eternity is a horrible, horrible feeling.

At the same time, there's an image to be upheld. I'm in a position of leadership. I had cell responsibilities. I'm actively serving in church. I can't let people see the distance between God and myself. So what happens? The defense mechanisms lock in place. Everyone else is wrong, everyone else is against you, everything becomes personal. It's not a good position to be in. At all.

So this morning, I decided I needed to make my peace with God. Not for anyone. For myself. For my relationship with the most important Person in the world, the most important Person in my life. I can't waste away. I will not waste away. I refuse to stop loving Him. I refuse to give up my God.

It will not be an easy journey. I've struggled so much these few years. I've been shaken up, slapped in the face, shoved, stabbed, punched (none of them literally)... I've come too far to let it all go. I'm not ashamed to say I'm going through all this, or that I've been through all this. I'm not ashamed to say that my relationship with the Lord is not perfect and is far from it. I've made a commitment to Him and I need to stick to it. It's so, so, so difficult and I'm gonna need all the help I can get. So if anyone's reading this, here's my plea - walk with me in my journey. For too long, I've tried to please man. It doesn't work. Please, if anyone of you is trying to please man before God, it DOESN'T WORK. Been hurt too many times to want to see people go down that same path. Don't do it.

I'm the prodigal daughter. Now I know what it feels like. As I said before, I've NEVER been so far from God before (except in my pre-Christian days). But I'm slowly making my way back. And it feels good :) I don't want it to be just a romantic feeling. There will be times when it's a very active choice. A deliberate decision. A leap of faith. In essence, a commitment. And it's the same in every kind of relationship isn't it?

Thank God for His grace and faithfulness.

Not too bad after all.

Graduation was pretty alright. Don't remember much about my time on stage except that when I got up there, the distance between me and Mr Chancellor seemed to stretch forever. When I finally got there, he said, "Well done, Melissa". I would have said, "Well done too, ____", except I didn't know his name. Heh.

Enjoyed the post-ceremony banter/photo time with my flowers and champagne :) Hee. What's a convo without champagne right? Took so many photos that for a few moments, all I could see were spots. Enjoyed myself. Thanks all for coming :)

Very tired now. Just spent a day walking around Araluen with Dad. Had an ice cream cone each and took a tram ride. Was kinda fun. Talk more soon. Very tired now.

So it's finally here. Tomorrow's the day. Tomorrow formally marks the completion of 3 years of madness. It's been a heck of a ride. I'm biting my nails in anticipation. Not.

My graduation. You know, I'm not sure how many of you see it this way but for me, it's one of the defining moments of my life. It's one that says, "Hey, you're ok. You made it this far." So I did. So I tried. So I passed. So I get a degree. So what.

It's a pretty picture - young girl, fresh grad, plenty of opportunities waiting for her, journey just beginning.... I hope I don't make a mess of it. Like I did the past 20-odd years of my life. I want to see the world through rose-coloured glasses again. I'm losing it. I'm becoming a cynic.

Where's everyone? Where are all the people who are important to me? Lost. Paul, I've lost you. You don't even read this. I don't know why I even bother. Lil, I think I've lost you too. I don't know where you are anymore (and I don't mean literally). And I'm not berating anyone. I'm indulging in my sadness. Which probably isn't a good thing. But I suppose that's what you do when you become a cynic.

So what's the catalyst? What's making me rant like a raving madman? Yes, graduation. Or more specifically, my really short guest list. Perhaps one of the worst feelings in the world is having tickets for your convo, which are not in demand. By your friends. Or family. Yes, I know mom and bro couldn't help it. I know they couldn't get leave but shucks, it hurts. It stinging hurts. And I know Lil or Cheryl or Paul couldn't be here. That's not their fault at all and I don't love them any less for that. Shucks. it really does hurt. I miss everyone.

Enough griping. I think I shall go indulge in some retail therapy. Dad will be in town in a few hours. Must look happy to see him. It's not that I'm not happy. Sigh, I should just stop complaining about who's not here and appreciate who's here. I don't want to age prematurely. See ya'll.. will update on the ceremony. Might not be so bad after all.

Yes, I know I haven't updated in a while :) Apologies to all the voyeurs out there.. haha :)

Anyway, I have been away (not away AWAY but just not around) at a women's conference but that's another story for another day :) I'm writing this blog because I promised the Lord that I'd share what He did for me when it was complete, so here goes:

You'd all probably know I've had several problems leading up to graduation. Right from the beginning, I didn't have enough points to finish my degree. I needed a work placement and an individual study contract, both of which the Lord provided at just the right time. It was difficult getting them because I had missed the deadlines for both the placement and the study contract but the Lord provided anyway.
Following that, I had to hand in my final essay before the deadline for results to make the graduation (yes, it's all about deadlines). I did that but my unit co-ordinator didn't hand in my results on time and I missed the deadline. There was absolutely nothing I could do. I tried calling him and going to his office but he was never to be found, till one day, I walked by and he was in his office. He told me he'd handed my results in a few days ago. After much running around, I finally got confirmation from the graduations office that my results were in. I pestered them (yes, I really did pester them...) for a graduations pack and the appropriate forms I needed.
Anyhow, this is what I have to say - that the Lord was faithful, IS faithful and answers prayers ON TIME. HIS time. He's never too early or too late.

I realise I sound kinda preachy and "testimonial-like" but I know I needed to share this with anyone who'd listen, who's thinking that there isn't hope or that God doesn't answer prayers or that He only answers prayers of special people like pastors or holy people. By human standards, I'm neither. I'm just an ordinary girl who chose to put her faith in her God. Because He has never disappointed me. Because He loves me enough to want the best for me.

Take heart, people. Will talk more about the conference another day. God bless you all :)