You know, I've got all these emotions inside me that I can't release. Because I'm not supposed to. And because the person I most want to release it to doesn't want to know about it nor hear about it. But that's ok I guess. Then again, maybe not.

You will never know how I feel. Because you've never been through something like this before. And you will never be able to understand all that I'm going through. Because you don't want to. There are so many things that I need to tell you, that I need to let you know. Because it's hurting me and it hurts real bad. But I can't. Because I'm afraid of you. I'm afraid you'll break my heart all over again by telling me that you can't care for me because you're not supposed to. And I'm afraid that you'll get angry with me.

So what happens in the end? You'll never know. Because you never asked. Because you were trying to show me that you couldn't care for me. And the consequence of this charade, of this act, this pantomime, is ignorance.

Why won't you ask me how I feel? Why won't you ask how I'm getting on? Are you afraid of what I might say? Are you afraid that you'll have to bear the burden of my pain? You don't have to. That's God's job. Why are you so afraid to show me that you care? Why are you afraid to show me that you're human? Do you want me to hate you? I don't want to.

It doesn't make things easier if you hide your feelings or show me that you don't care. In all honesty, this feels like a hit-and-run. There was damage done but the driver's no where to be seen after the accident. He just speeds off without checking to see if the person is dead or alive. And he thinks the person will be better off that way. But he is so wrong. He is so wrong.

I hear things from people. Different people telling me snippets of news. But that will never be enough. That will never satisfy. Because "other" people were not in the relationship. You can't leave the story-telling to the supporting cast or the extras. The main characters need to do it. That's why they're called the main characters.

And so I sit up from having been knocked down. And I'm dazed and looking around. And wondering what in the world just happened. And I can't find the answers. Because the driver drove off. And I'm desperately trying to make sense of everything. And I'm hoping for an email, an sms, a call, to explain every single thing once and for all. So that I can get on with my life.

But I know the chances of getting any explanation are very slim. Maybe I'm just thickheaded. You have to tell me something many times for me to register it. So like, if you tell me, "I hate you", you'd probably need to say it over and over for me to get it. The same goes for "I love you". Or maybe I'm just stubborn. I refuse to give up without a fight. But this time, I think I've fought hard enough. Any more and I'd probably kill him :)

So I don't know why I said all this anyway. I've been told that I want people to see me as someone who's confident and able, but in reality, I'm not so different from the ordinary person. I'm vulnerable too. And I cry just like everyone else. When you hit me, I will hurt. When you hug me, I'll feel nice and warm and loved (this sounds like an ad for a doll - "Pat her head and she nods! Batteries not included").

So please, treat me like a person. Even if you can't treat me like a friend. It's all I ask now. It would really help me.

I got my first pay slip today. I was so excited I was grinning like an idiot. Until I opened it. Then I laughed. You can't even buy 4-D with the numbers. Haha.. that's quite funny actually :)

So I was at the train station after work when this guy calls me on my mobile and says he's from Standard Chartered and asked if I had a credit card with the bank. I said no and he proceeds to tell me that he can offer me a free gold card if I join now and all I need is an annual income of $30,000. I had to laugh. And then politely tell him that I-don't-meet-the-requirement-but-thank-you-very-much.

Caught up with Derek last night. Had tea at Royal Copenhagen, dinner at Taka, coffee at Holland V. It was really nice to meet up again after about 5 months. But by the end of the day (reached home at about 11.30pm), I was really tired. Such a pity I started work at 7am and had to start at 7am again today. Anyway, we updated each other on our lives and inevitable subjects of conversations came up as well. All in all, had a nice evening.

My shoulders have been very sore and tight these few days. I don't know why. I guess work really is physically tiring. Most nights I'm asleep by 1am. A far cry from days of yore.

You know, I've been thinking about doing freelance writing. I think I'd enjoy that. No pressure. No boss. A little bit of extra money. Get my work published and publicised. I think it'd be great :) We'll see what happens :)

I need a little nap now. I'm beat. Later.

Was walking to the train station (the distance seemed shorter this time) after work when a man approached me and spoke in relatively brisk mandarin. He said, "xiao jie, ni yao kan xiang ma?". The first thing that came to my mind was that he was a flasher and he was asking if I wanted to see him in his naked glory. But my quick mind also quickly told me that wasn't quite right. So I replayed his question in my head and I thought perhaps he was asking if I wanted to see some photographs. Just as I was about to ask him what photographs, it hit me. He was asking if I wanted my fortune told. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it took me 3 attempts to figure out what this guy was saying in mandarin. Even I have to admit it's pathetic.

So anyway, the guy repeats his question and tells me that I have a good face. You know, a good fortune face or something like that. Aaanyway, I flashed (no pun intended) him a smile and apologetically declined. Whilst walking away, I'm thinking, duh, of course I have good fortune. My Father is the King of kings, how can I not be blessed? I don't need Mr Xiaojieniyaokanxiangma to tell me what the future holds for me. I already know. It's in the last page of the Bible.

So there you have it, that was my little amusing encounter of the day. My other adventure was being attached to the Accounts department today, something I thoroughly enjoyed. I worked for about 3 and a half hours today. I also had a 2 hour lunch (it's an accounting thing. The whole department has 2 hour lunches.. tsk tsk... and they get paid heaps more than me).

All in all a pretty good day. Except for the rain : (

Check this out. Now you know why you kiss that way ;)

While attached to the Concierge desk today, a couple came up to ask about wedding packages. They asked to see the restaurants and ballroom so, eager to get away for a while, I offered to show them around. We were walking towards the lobby lounge when I saw a man with a ponytail. My heart skipped a beat. I knew he wasn't here but it was such a natural instinctive response from me. I felt a little silly after that.

My feet are severely aching now. It's not the worst they've been though. Some of you know I was limping about a week ago. My foot was swollen and hurt terribly. I think all front office staff need to be treated to a foot massage or spa at least once a month.

We had a lion dance in the hotel today. It was the first time I'd ever been so close to a lion dance troupe. It was nice seeing the awe and delight on the faces of our guests. One little caucasian boy was afraid of the lion at first but slowly warmed up to it and even tried to touch it towards the end :)

It was a tiring day that started at 5.40 in the morning. Thank God I'm off tomorrow. I need a nap now. Talk to you soon.

I don't remember the distance from the hotel to the MRT station ever being so long. The street went on forever. And so I walked. And I walked. And each step was weighted by the sight of happy couples clutching bouquets of flowers in every colour possible. And if they were not clutching flowers, they were clutching each other's hands. And I held in the tears that threatened to betray my cool aloofness. I held it in pretty well. I've had practice.

Boss asked if I had any plans tonight. If "my boy" had arranged anything. My heart murmured, "there is no boy", my lips replied, "I'm going home for dinner". On my way out, my colleague asked if I had anything special planned for the night. I said no, smiled, and told her to enjoy her evening.

If you've ever had your heart broken, you'll understand the complex emotions involved. Because it's not just your heart that's broken but a part of you has been altered forever. Such is the impact of anyone who's ever meant anything to you. That's what I think at least.

8pm. I'm still on the train wondering how this happened to me. How I went from being deliriously happy to devastatingly sad. How one person could have made me experience such contrasting emotions. It would only be possible if that person meant a lot to me. I guess he did. He still does. And he knows it. There is no need for me to say any more because I've said all I could say. There's nothing I can do anymore.

Well-meaning friends tell me he'll call. Or at least sms. To each one, I smiled (even on the phone) and said, "you don't know him like I do". I know he's not going to call. Or sms. Because he wants to show me that we're only friends. It's funny how he can be so firm about that but so undecided on whether to be with me or not.

Lest you think he's the bad guy, he's not. There is no bad guy in this picture. Nor bad girl for that matter. I've always felt it's a waste of time to apportion blame. So what if you determine who's at fault? It doesn't change anything and it doesn't help matters. To blame someone is to shirk all responsibility. Blaming isn't love. I don't blame someone I love.

I remember an sms that said, "I'm willing to work through our problems rather than give up because I think we have something". I wonder if it's still applicable, if it still holds any worth.

I hope it does.

I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'd like to start off by giving my heartfelt thanks to Lil. Thanks for your listening ear. Thanks for leaving your phone on the whole night so I could call you if I really needed to. I always feel better after talking to you :)

This is it. It's ended. If you know what I'm talking about, you know what I'm talking about.

They say time heals. I don't know about that. We'll just have to wait and see. The road ahead is all too familiar. I'm thinking of the Billy Joel song, "Walk Down That Lonesome Road". I think it's Billy Joel anyway. It starts:

Walk down that lonesome road all by yourself
Don't turn your head back over your shoulder
And only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon
Is shining high above the trees

I think those are the lyrics. I haven't heard this song since the AC choir guys sang it. It's a sad song but it's also a very poignant one. I recall my very first heartbreak (if you exclude kindergarten). And this song was playing in my head. And I cried and cried and cried. And I called it my heartbreak. Why? Because I felt my heart tear apart. You know, in a drawn and quartered fashion.

These things happen. You will have your happy moments and you will have your sad moments and you will have moments that happened in your dreams but never became reality. You will have unfulfilled wishes and unfinished symphonies. You will cry but one day you will cry no more.

Life doesn't stop to gather your tears, but God does. The sky was crimson in the wee hours of the morning and I felt God was crying with me too. I know He knows what I'm going through. In all honesty, it doesn't take the pain away. A relationship with God isn't about religious jargon or punctuating your sentences with, "Hallelujah, praise the Lord!". A relationship with God, amongst other religious stuff, consists of being honest with Him and telling Him that you DON'T feel alright. That you're hurting. That you're upset. That you're not exactly pleased with the way He's doing things. But ultimately asking Him to heal and take over.

It hurts. I'm not pretending it doesn't, although I think I did a fantastic job of it today while out visiting with cell members. My life isn't a charade. But it isn't a melodrama either. So here I am, being honest and trying hard to cut down on the drama.

I'm drawing up a thank you list. For all the things you did for me. Know that I really appreciate each one of them, even the ones not mentioned. Thank you for:

- walking to my place to say you're sorry
- making me eat wasabi to clear my nose
- running through the rain to pass me herbal medicine
- staying awake at night to listen to me blabber on
- staying on ICQ just 'cos I'm on
- being my personal assistant during graduation
- taking me to Mandurah (even though I drove :))
- remembering my shoe size
- your various home-cooked meals
- just being there

This will be my last update until I'm ready to speak again. I'm still contactable via email and ICQ. Thank you all for having been a part of Cherries Jubilee. It's been real wonderful giving you a little peek into my life. You take care, everyone.

Bye.

Reunion dinner was not as horrible as I thought it would be. With the exception that it was in SENGKANG, everything else went quite well. The food was really yummy and the entertainment (read: relatives) wasn't too bad either. Well, now I know what Sengkang looks like. And I have to say that the new HDB flats are looking pret-ty swanky.

I love my nephew, Ethan. He is the most gorgeous little darling in the clan. BUT he is heavy. At present, he is 12 kg (he's 1 year old). When I was in Primary 1, I was 18 kg! Somehow, whenever I carry him, he seems to slip down bit by bit. I'm convinced I didn't position him properly when I first picked him up but everyone else seems to think I don't have the strength required to carry him. Which bugs me because that's not true. But he really is so gorgeous. I shall endeavour to get a photo of him to post here for the world to see.

Tomorrow. The Dreaded Day. Today, actually. Thinking about the noise I can expect gives me a headache. But I get to see Ethan again!! I'm his number one fan!! I'm also really looking forward to the red packets because that means I'll have more money to put in the bank to save. I really want to save money now. So I can be independent. And have money for the future. I've been thinking long-term lately. For a while, actually. I need to start saving if I'm going to go into the next few stages of my life. The stages which will require a lot of money... No more splurging on myself now. I'll need a good excuse to splurge. It's really good timing because I know Cheryl's trying to save money too so she can go to Japan. Good good, we won't tempt each other.

*Note to Cheryl: I still do want to go get margaritas and calamari. One last time before I start this saving thing proper. Yum yum... I miss Tango's...

Well that's about all I have to rant about today. 4 more days to my new life as a working adult. Eeek. What am I doing? Am I even doing the right thing? I'm getting cold feet. Do I really want to be working now? I suppose it's the responsible thing to do but should I be pursuing my other dreams instead? Do the things I won't get a chance to when I start work? I'm nervous about starting work lah. It's too much like the first day of school - have I got my shoes, is my uniform pressed, did I bring the relevant forms, have I gone for my medical, is my hair neat? If I haven't figured out by Monday how to bun my hair without looking like a hag, I am going straight to the hairdresser's to get them to chop it off. I'm not sentimental about my hair. It'll grow back.

Ok, now I've really finished ranting. Have a great CNY everyone! Even if you're not Chinese :)