And I said to the man who
stood at the gate of the year:
"Give me a light that I may
tread safely into the unknown".
And he replied:
"Go out into the darkness
and put your hand into the
Hand of God. That shall be
to you better than light and
safer than a known way".

- from the poem "God Knows"
by M. Louise Haskins

As much as I hate to admit it, it's been a sad Christmas. I can't remember if I felt more alone this Christmas or last. I think this one. Most people were too busy with their celebrations I assume. Received mostly sms greetings, mostly initiated by myself. I thought this would only happen 30 years down the road. Then again, it hasn't been a great year.

Well, I'll be away for the next 4 days. Will update after that. Have a good December.

Is it? It is! It's Christmas!! And as promised, here are some things I want to say to the friends who've come into my life and into this blog. If you don't find a personalised message for you below, it means I'm unaware of your regular blog presence so sign my guestbook and let me know you're a dedicated reader! :) Ok, without further ado, in alphabetical order, here goes:

Cheryl: So many things to say to you, girl. You're right. 2001 was a terrible year for you and I'm glad this year has yielded such abundant fruit. You're such a go-getter and an inspiration to me. Thank you for ALL the times you've listened when I poured out my sorrows aplenty :) Thank you for allowing your naps to be interrupted by the sound of my crying. Thank you for believing in me, in the person that I am. Your friendship has been a tremendous blessing and, in all seriousness, a lifesaver. I'm looking forward to more good years ahead :)

Clarence: You, my friend, have been MIA for ages. I still haven't met up with you since I got back. You were my first kopi kaki/buddy you know? :) I hope things are going fine for you. You know I'll try to give you a listening ear whenever I can yah. Have a really blessed Christmas and give me a call soon!

DJ: We've been through some crazy times haven't we? :) You're an amazing person. You have such a lot of energy and spirit in you. I don't know if I've ever told you this but I respect you for the person that you are. You've been extremely patient and gentle with me and I really want to thank you for that. For once, don't tell me, "what else could I do?" :) You're not expected to do anything for me but you do them anyway. I'm truly truly blessed to have you in my life and I want the best for you. I really do. Know that I will always always support you. And that support is not dependent on what your latest project is. My support will be there regardless of what project you're undertaking, what decisions you're making in life. As long as you're not going to do something morally wrong yah :) I'm glad you're a part of my life. I don't know what or how big a role I play in yours but I know that your place in my life is precious and dear. So thank you. For everything.

Kelvin a.k.a Luke a.k.a Warmsocks: The most time I've ever spent with you in person was probably the night I was at your place and we sat in your balcony and talked. I got a deeper glimpse into the person that is Kelvin Tan. I was really glad for that time, when you were open with me and I was allowed a step further into your life. That said, you're probably the person who suans me the most.. heehee :) and the only person I don't get mad at for suaning me *big grin*. Actually I don't really get mad at people who suan me but that's another story. You know, you're a friend, an equal, yet somewhat of a big brother to me. That reminds me of the time I was down with stomach flu in early 2002 and you took me to the pharmacy, got pills and water for me, drove me home and basically made sure I was alright. I'm not sure I ever thanked you properly, so I shall do it now. 11 months late but thank you so so much. I really really appreciated your care. It made being sick a lot less yucky :) One last thing - if I ever play Monopoly with you again, you had better be my ally.

Lil: Lilly Willy!! You can't get mad at me for that, it's Christmas :) 15 years, my friend. We've known each other for 15 years. I saw you when you were a pudgy little kid (haha.. again, it's Christmas, I can get away with things) and look at the gorgeous chick you've blossomed into! It was kinda the reverse for me... I was always skinny as a kid but.. we shall not go there... YOU, my friend, have been such an integral part of my life. You're there at every milestone, albeit not always physically. You've seen me through ALL my relationship crises from college to uni and after uni. You know the names of those who've broken my heart and I know who's broken yours as well. We've been apart for 3 years but still talk like the old friends we are each time we meet. We've got a groovy thing going girl! At the risk of sounding corny, thanks for bringing your sunshine into my life. And I promise not to ever drag you all across London looking for shoe shops again. Cheers to our friendship :)

Mei En: Did I ever tell you I was intimidated by you? Haha.. it's true :) You have such personality and you're also probably one of the most introspective people I know :) I don't know if you've found yourself yet but I do hope that you will be comfortable with just being. At every stage of your life. Just be. Don't get cynical ok? It ages people. And there's too much in you for age to overcome. I'm amazed at your heart for the people and for your desire to be genuine. Your faithfulness to the ones you call friends is inspiring. You're someone with a lot to give. But I also know that giving is tiring and that you want to receive too. Why can't someone else give for once and stop expecting you to give all the time? I'll try but I don't have much to give you now except very special Christmas blessings with all my love. Take care woman :)

Terence: Before I continue, let me first say I'm soooo sorry for forgetting your birthday. I wrote it down in my diary you know, but I still forgot : ( Sorry about that. It doesn't mean that you're any less of a friend ok? :) You always make me laugh. I don't know why. It's the combination of you and me I think. Always ends up in something hilarious :) I'm glad we have this friendship even though I didn't really know you well throughout our school years. Were you in Primary 1E? I think I've also known you for 15 years then.. hahaha.. :) You're a great friend and I'm glad you're available when I need a listening ear. Some male insight is always good ;) Thank you for being a friend and for looking out for me. I appreciate it :)

To everyone else who's just popped in, have a blessed Christmas and a fabulous holiday. God bless you.

Was listening to "One Day More" and thought, how apt. One day to Christmas. Well, eleven hours actually.

This year, I didn't buy Christmas presents and I didn't write Christmas cards. First time in more than a decade that I've done this. It feels weird not to be shopping for presents and all but at the same time, I feel more relaxed, not having to jostle with the Christmas crowd which, by the way, is incredible in downtown Orchard Road. For the sake of your sanity, please refrain from straying into the above-mentioned area till after Boxing Day.

I had a lovely evening last night, with dinner at Father Flanagan's in Chijmes. The weather was nice and cool too. If at all you're feeling scroogey or bah-humbugy, make a trip down to Chijmes. Be warned though, that parking at night is $6. Other than that, it's got great atmosphere and is every bit as romantic as it's made out to be. My advice - have a leisurely dinner and take a nice stroll around the compound.

After dinner was my turn for The Lord of the Rings. I have to say that I enjoyed the first one better. The battle scenes in The Two Towers were awesome but I felt there were too many anticlimaxes in the show. There were many points in the movie where I thought it would end, that that was the last scene but no, there was more to go. Also, the talking bits got a bit draggy. The first one was more colourful, literally. This one was more grey and dull. Somewhere in the second half, I was ready to nod off. Probably because we were watching the 10pm show. I thoroughly enjoyed the first installment though. Was on the edge of my seat the whole time, completely and utterly engrossed in the show. The first one got a 9/10 from me. The Two Towers gets a 6.5/10. Sorry about that, fans. I'm a Tolkien fan myself but this one just didn't quite cut it for me.

Anyway, the customary Christmas dinner is tonight at my aunt's place. I've realised that quite a number friends have Christmas gatherings held at "aunt's places". Very interesting. I'm making mashed potatoes with sundried tomatoes but I'm thinking of substituting that with raisins instead. We'll see.

I wish there was a Christmas dinner I could dress up for. Christmas dinners at my aunt's have always been a casual affair. And the fact that they live 5 minutes away accounts for the reason we're usually in only a slightly nicer version of home clothes. Ah well... when I have my own apartment (which will be never, until I get married), I'll have Christmas parties where we'll dress up and have good food and great fellowship with close friends. But that will be in the very distant future. So distant I can't even see it.. haha..

I know Christmas has a different significance for different people. I know Christmas is also birthday for Lilian :) You'll have to wait till tomorrow for my birthday wishes but you can have a "Merry Christmas Eve!" from me today :) Christmas is also birthday for Violet but I don't think she reads this. I also know what Cheryl's looking forward to at Christmas :) I don't know what's going to happen for you but you know my thoughts are with you. And I know this is going to sound cheesy but I'm going to be here for you like you were there for me when I was bawling my eyes out.. hahaha...

Tomorrow, if I remember, I will try to post individual Christmas blessings to you guys on this blog, so check in tomorrow! For now, have a blessed Christmas Eve!

So I'm at the news website and I'm looking through all the headlines and there's this huge, heavy cloud over me. I'm like, do I really want to read all this? It's really depressing. Every day, some bomb explodes in some part of the world, accidents claim lives and disputes cause disunity. It sucks. It really does. Big time.

Doesn't anyone care what Christmas is about anymore?

I don't know about this. I just hope it doesn't put ideas into people's heads. I can just imagine frightened parents not allowing their kids to sit on Santa's lap. Then again, as Lilian and I were discussing, the notion of sitting on Santa's lap has somehow been warped by society. I don't think the crisis in the Roman Catholic church helped hey. Hmm...

I'm puzzled. Suddenly, both Cheryl and Lilian are worried about the possible onset of war. You think that war is such an imminent possibility huh? I'm not so sure about that. I mean, war has serious repercussions (duh), not just in terms of human lives but in terms of politics. And I'm not sure the powers in charge are willing to screw up their political careers. I'm also not sure that they'll go to war just to prove that they're cowboys and gain votes. Then again, I'm not sure. I'm not sure anymore.

I've never had to deal with war in a personal way. The last major war that happened was the Gulf War. I remember the day they declared war. I was in school. In Primary 5. My friend, Jasmine and I were on our way to the office to turn in a ten dollar bill that we found. I remember it so clearly. We were both so shaken. At 11 years old, you get pretty freaked out by the concept of war. I remember crying. Jasmine was crying too. And I also remember why I cried. I was crying because I thought of all the innocent american lives that would be lost in the battlefield. Iraq was painted as the devil's land. They were wrong, wrong, wrong. The media and spin doctors (I may very well be a spin doctor or work in the media in the future... not entirely by choice) had us believe that Saddam Hussein was a monster, that Iraq was a bully and Kuwait was the hapless victim. In fact, they still paint that picture today. Of course, the U.S was portrayed as the Superman of the world.

I don't know enough to agree. I don't know enough to say Iraq is bad and America is good. Or vice versa, for that matter. Maybe Saddam Hussein is right and George Bush is wrong. I don't know. Is it childish and naive to wonder if George and Saddam could ever be pals? I mean, what's the deal? I'm sure that deep down, even in their political hearts (and you'd be gullible to think people are in politics out of the goodness of their hearts, for the better of mankind, rather than for popularity, career advancement and power), GB and SH love people. Ok, maybe they don't love love people but I'm sure they have feelings. And deep down, they are good people. Everyone has some good in them. Right? I just hope, for the sake of mankind, that the good in them surfaces sooner rather than later.

And I hope that GB, SH, OBL, JH, MS and the rest of the world leaders (ok, OBL isn't exactly a world leader) can be friends. I wish they'd come together, say sorry, shake hands and have turkey for dinner. Halal, of course.

'Tis the season for hope right?

you know how sometimes, you just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel? when some days are just so dark it feels as though the sun has been switched off? people say, "it's ok, things aren't as bad as they seem". perhaps not. not to them. you know how ally mcbeal says her problems are the biggest in the world simply because their hers? yup. my problems may not be huge when compared to the nuclear weapons disagreements between iraq and america. my problems are definitely not bigger than the bombings in pakistan and india. and of course, the miss world carnage in nigeria definitely makes my problems look pathetic. but my problems are huge to me simply because they are MY problems.
i'm not going to say it's-not-fair-why-do-i-have-to-go-through-all-this because everyone has their problems. i'm certainly not undermining the problems of other people. but i think i'm allowed to talk about my problems because this is my blog. haha.. that's the only thing that's made me smile so far. my blog. mineminemineminemine.
so i think i've given out a big clue that things aren't going very well in my life right now. since i came back to singapore, really. somehow, the fairytale just ended. the fantasy stopped and reality smacked me in the head. I wish it would smack me harder and knock me unconscious or something. maybe if i'm unconscious, i can go back to dreamland and things will be the way i'd like them to be.
sigh. yet i'm reminded to be joyful in all circumstances. sigh. you know how hard that is? i'm sure you do. it's never easy to be joyful in bad times. it's the christmas season though. everyone's supposed to be a bit more cheerful and jolly and giving and kind and loving and caring.
imagine you're a kid. and the cookie jar is on the top shelf. you take a stool, climb on it and stretch your tiny arms as high up as possible. you're an inch short of reaching the jar. and the jar's got your favourite chocolate chip cookies. delicious, decadent and delightful. but you can't reach it. you're so near but so far. and to you, that inch is like a mile. it is the longest distance in the world. because you want something so much but can't have it. and no one's going to give you a boost. no one's going to come along and lift you up to that shelf. because no one's at home. and no one knows how much you want the cookies. just one cookie will do. just one. but nobody sees you. nobody sees what you go through to get to that jar. nobody sees you cry yourself to sleep. nobody knows that you're not trying to be greedy. you just want to be happy. nobody knows that you haven't been happy in a long time.

these are some of the darkest days of my life. maybe i just need a little light. just a little.

It's official. My aircon is dead.

Heehee... *giggle* did anyone read the Life! section of the papers today? *insert big silly grin* It's the Wonder Twins!!! *droooool*... Sigh.... good-looking AND nice. What a combination. I have half a mind to snip out the pictures.. hehe... sigh.. how can anyone be so good-looking??? I'm just so sad they got eliminated from the race. Poor guys.

Ok, enough of that. Why am I blogging at 10:40 in the morning? Because I had to wake up at 9:30. Why did I have to wake up at 9:30? Because Mr Aircon Repairman was supposed to come at 10. He only arrived a few minutes ago though. I'm not too thrilled about th prospects of having my aircon functioning again because I've come to realise that it's really unhealthy to live in an aircon space. Especially in a room like mine. Now I actually know the real answer to what's under my bed. And it wasn't dead lizards like I thought. Just normal everyday stuff. There was a battery, an empty perfume box... uh oh, I just heard Mr Aircon Repairman tell my dad that he can't fix it by today. Not good.

Well, Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat. Pleased to put a penny in the old man's hat. That was one of the songs we used to sing while carolling with the school choir. I enjoyed carolling performances because we got to get close to the man-in-the-street. Usually, it's just competitions or concert performances at VCH and the people there are there because they paid to be there or because it was their job.

Carolling was also fun because we got to sing lovely Christmas sings in various parts. At times it was 6-part harmony and at times, 8. And if there's anything to be said about the AC choir, it's that they always choose great songs. So yeah, I guess my days in the choir weren't so bad after all. Let's just keep it at that. I don't want to go into my horror stories.

To end today's ramblings, let me just say one thing - the Wonder Twins rock!!!!!

ok byebye.

I'm glad you don't read this blog because I don't know where else to write all this. It's too tiring to write it by hand in my journal. Tonight, you made me realise that I miss you. It's been so long we've known each other. Yet not very long at all. So many, many things have happened in our journey. We're both so different from when we first began. There are so many things I want you to know but it's difficult because I don't know how to put them into words. You're a very dear friend. Well, you were. But I guess circumstances force changes. Now we're almost strangers. It's terribly sad. I know you said we can get to know each other all over again but it seems that what we had in the past has been lost. And that's sad.

I guess I've told you some of this but why am I holding back the full extent of my message? I don't know. I suppose things will never be the same again. And they shouldn't. Because if they're the same as they were before, it would suggest that neither of us has grown, that neither of us has come any closer to being the person we were created to be.

So yes, I'm sad. I'm feeling nostalgic. I miss the good times. When will I ever tell you this? Perhaps I never will. Perhaps you will stumble on this blog by chance. Perhaps you still have the URL I gave you long ago. I doubt it. My URL has changed anyway. Maybe one day, when we're both old and grey, I'll tell you about the night I remembered you.

I interrupt my blog holiday in the hopes of bringing some cheer to a few people I know are feeling down. Here are some tips to feeling better:

1. A pint of Haagen Dazs ice cream. On second thoughts, make that a few pints.

2. Girls - A blown-up poster of Derek and/or Drew (does it make a difference?). Guys - A blown-up poster of Smallville's Lana Lang (at least that's what I'm hearing from some male sources).

3. Alcohol. Ok now, be very responsible when choosing this course of action. 2 margaritas is fine. 2 jugs of beer to yourself is not. And don't drink enough to get a hangover. You'll feel worse than when you started off so that defeats the purpose.

4. A holiday. Even if it's just to the local liquor store. If you do make that trip though, re-read point number 3 above.

5. Girls - Go shopping, for goodness' sake. Guys - Go play sports.

6. Indulge in the company of close friends.

7. Scream into your pillow.

8. Read the international news. I guarantee you'll feel a lot better about your own situation.

9. Have a PARTY!!! Go have fun!! Even if that's the last thing you feel like doing.

10. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.

Here are some things you shouldn't do:

1. Listen to soppy love songs.

2. Watch your favourite romantic comedy.

3. Think too much.

4. Go on a diet.

5. Mope.

6. Drown in self-pity.

7. Play the blame game.

8. Speed.

9. Get drunk.

10. STAY IN THE HOUSE.

I'm no happiness guru myself. The above pointers apply as much to you as they do to me. I'm an emotional wreck. If I could have just one wish, I'd take a long trip to Europe. Now. Anything to get me out of the house, away from the situations I'm in, away from the things I have to do. Anything to live on my own again. You know, once you've lived on your own, especially for so long, it's never the same again. Like I've been telling Cheryl - it's one thing to love your family, another thing to live with them. And that's just the least of my problems. Great. Now I'm feeling really down. No worries, I've got vodka, midori and bailey's sitting in my room.

Cheers, mate.

More than one person has told me that I should try not to put up a front - don't pretend that everything's cool when it isn't or tell people you're ok when you're not or beam up a nice big sunshiney smile when it's really a thunderstorm inside. So alright. I've decided to take their advice and be upfront about my feelings.

Still, there's a big struggle inside of me. I don't know if I should be upfront. Because I'm not sure I'm ready to let the world know exactly how I feel.

The rain's stopped. The thing that falls from the sky, that is.

I don't want to leave the blog on a depressing note because, really, life is so much more. It holds so much more. I'm trying my darndest to be upbeat and positive. Sometimes it's difficult, you know?

You know how some people plan ahead for the next 5 years? Or maybe the next month. Or even the next week. And there are things in those plans - academic pursuit, career, marriage, family, children etc. Plans are a good indication of hope. You plan for the future because, apart from being a responsible adult, you know that there is hope. That things will happen for you. And if they don't, there's always a backup plan.

I don't have a plan. What do I want to do a year from now? I don't know. Do I have hope for the future? I try. Things aren't always as bad as they seem.

I just realised that this post is typical of me. Making everything sound ok when it really isn't. So much for being upfront huh :)

I'm gonna go away for a while. Not out of the country. Just from blogging. So no, things aren't ok. They will be eventually, although how long "eventually" is, I don't know. But I will be ok. I'll write again soon. Take care y'all.

Okay okay, since everyone else seems to be doing this, I thought I'd do it too (actually I like doing these things but don't tell or it's gonna make me look like I've nothing better to do. Even though it's true). Plus, the last time I did this was 2 years ago so things have changed somewhat.

1. Living Arrangement?
In a mess of an apartment with a father, mother and brother.

2. What Book Are You Reading Now?
You're assuming I'm reading.

3. What's On Your Mouse Pad?
Don't use mousepads.

4. Favourite Board Game?
Monopoly. For your infor, Kelv, I enjoy playing Risk as well.

5. Favourite Magazine?
National Geographic

6. Favourite Smell?
Heh heh.. my leetle bolster... heehee...

7. Favourite Sound?
Thunder.

8. Worst Feeling in the World?
I'd rather not discuss this.

9. First Thing You Think Of When You Wake Up?
Aww man, I'm awake?!?!

10. How Many Rings Before You Answer the Phone?
If I know it's for me, ASAP. If I know it's not, I don't get the phone. Unless I'm the only available person.

11. Name of Future Child?
I'm having children??

12. Most Important Things in Life?
Being grounded in your beliefs, having a passion for something, making someone feel better about themselves after they've spent time with you.

13. Favourite foods?
Chilli crab. YUM. Green Curry. Also YUM. Lotsa seafood - clams, mussels, lobsters, crayfish, marron, yabbies.

14. Chocolate or Vanilla?
CHOCOLATE!

15. Do You Like to Drive Fast?
Hahaha... are you serious??

16. Do You Sleep With A Stuffed Teddy?
No, I sleep with a bolster, weren't you paying attention??

17. Thunderstorms - Cool or Scary?
Once again, weren't you paying attention??

18. What Type Was Your Fist Car?
A funky white Honda Civic that looked like a van/station wagon (according to different people)

19. Ultimate Vehicle?
Audi TT

20. If You Could Meet One Person Dead or Alive, Who Would It Be?
Roald Dahl. I'd tell him how much I love his books and that I cried when I read that he'd passed away.

21. Favourite Alcoholic Drink?
Brown Brothers Crouchen Riesling.

22. What Is Your Zodiac Sign?
Gemini.

23. Do You Eat the Stems of Broccoli?
Yes I do.

24. If You Could Have Any Job You Wanted, What Would It Be?
I have to work??

25. Ever Been In Love?
Yes.

26. Is the Glass Half-Empty Or Half-Full?
It's empty.

27. Favourite Movie?
Amelie.

28. Do You Type With Your Fingers On The Right Keys?
No.

29. What Is Under Your Bed?
I don't wanna know...

30. Favourite Number?
5

Toffee apples.

I realised that I wanted to have a toffee apple for the last time at this year's Perth Royal Show. But I completely forgot about it. Ok, so maybe they're not exactly gourmet food but it was always fun sinking your teeth into one.

I miss toffee apples.

I remember being really intrigued by them when I was in year 1. Used to see them line the vegetable shelves in Coles. They go for 99 cents each. Occasionally at the Freo markets, you get some at 97 cents. But they're not there all year round. I don't know why.

Today, I had a funny craving for Mandurah fish 'n' chips. Yum :) I feel like going for coffee now. I realise my post is rather disjointed.

Speaking of Australia, Mom just asked if I wanted to go to Cairns. Haha.. sigh...

I'm listening to the Ketchup Song. Again. I know I'll get sick of it soon. I'm just waiting for that to happen.

I've lost the ability to collect my thoughts and properly paragraph them. I think point form is good.

Meeting Cheryl for kawfee :) Heehee... more girlish giggles ahead. Good. I need to laugh.

Later.

p/s: thought I'd throw this in for free - I'm off my P plates! Muahahaha... goodbye funky orange triangle!!

MELISSA IS NOT FEELING WELL. THIS IS HER SUBCONSCIOUS SELF WHO FUNCTIONS WHEN SHE DOESN'T AND LIKES TO TYPE IN CAPS.

SHE WILL BE BETTER SOON. AFTER DRINKING A LOT OF WATER. AND TAKING HEAPS OF LOZENGES. SHE IS NOT ENJOYING THIS AND IS TELLING ME TO STOP TYPING IN CAPS. SHE THINKS IT'S RUDE. I DON'T. DO YOU?

COULD EVERYONE PLEASE PRAY FOR HER? THE SOONER SHE GETS BETTER, THE EARLIER I GET TO GO ON HOLIDAY.

OKAY, BYEBYE NOW.