I haven't watched a movie in the longest time. Well, there's kinda no one to watch movies with anyway. So all I can pray for is a dearth in filmakers' creativity so that there won't be any good movies out. Seeing as that's unlikely though, I will just be content with re-runs of Friends.

As I type this entry, I'm all too aware that the year is fast drawing to a close. I haven't done the usual reflect-on-the year-gone-by thing yet. I bet I'll do it soon. But this year has been the most crazy yet. And I seem to say that every year. Perhaps a few lessons I took away from this year has taught me things about myself I always suspected but never really confirmed. I learnt that I'm susceptible, just as everyone else is, to the monster that is Depression. It was always a condition I associated with people who gave up too easily, people who were neurotic, people who came from complicated backgrounds. At the start of 2004, I never expected to join the thousands of people around the world battling this disease. I thought I had the model life - loving family, teachers' kid, class monitor, school prefect, choir member, average B student with the occasional A, lifelong friends... the list really does go on. I don't think, at age 7, I could have seen this coming. My childhood ambition was to be a teacher. As I grew slightly older, I wanted to be a flight stewardess, actress, lawyer, psychologist, archaeologist, NASA astronaut, florist, journalist, playwright, poet. Boy was I busy with all these jobs! Noble ambitions, all. No, I don't think at that time, I could have seen myself popping pills, crying every night, yearning to end my life.

But it happened.

And the only thing that saved me was the grace of God. The grace of God held me when I wanted to throw myself into the flames of darkness. The grace of God gently enveloped me in the warmest embrace. The grace of God firmly yet tenderly allowed me to experience the amazing love of God in a most personal way. This same God Who knows when I need encouragement, when I need a hug, rescued me from myself.

I've come away with a little more confidence. Not in myself, I never want to be confident in myself. I've come away with a confidence of my identity in Christ. And I know He loves me so, so much. He always does little things to remind me of His presence in my life, much like how a guy comes up with the sweetest, most creative ways of wooing a girl he fancies. And how that humbles me. That the God of the universe, the Maker of the heavens and the earth, would woo me. Me! Of all people! And you know what? He's a romantic :) He hugs me, gives me gifts of songs, takes me out on dates, whispers to me and writes me love letters. He's done more for me than any guy has, can, or ever will do for me. He's my Knight in Shining Armour :) I'm smiling just writing about Him. And I know I need nothing more than Him and that I cannot settle for anything less than Him.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now am found
Was blind but now I see.

Took the free shuttle from Great World City to City Hall MRT Station today. Here's what it said on the bus window:

"Break ass for Emergency Exit".

Beautiful. It's not a free shuttle for nothing.

So tonight we had our cell gathering over dinner at Carlton. After dinner, 2 people msged me to ask if I was alright because I looked troubled/disturbed. Apparently a third person mentioned it as well. Was surprised because I didn't think I looked troubled. Or it could have been a subconscious thing. I guess my mind has been rather burdened with a lot of things recently. My heart has been heavy over a variety of matters as well. And I think seeing her this evening reminded me of him. There's a whole cocktail of emotions within me that I can't quite seem to figure out. I'm a little sad, a little tired, a little perplexed, a little puzzled, a little stressed, a little indifferent. And it's all these feelings all at once. But there's only one of me. How can I be feeling all these things at the same time? It's way too much to handle. I think I'm a bit lost. I also think I've aged 30 years in the span of 1 year. Sure, I look my age. But I certainly don't feel it. I'm also taking on a lot of new responsibilities and it gets draining. I wonder if I know what I'm doing. And yes, every once in a silver moon, I wonder if I'll be a spinster for the rest of my life.

Haha..

I saw a picture of an Indonesian boy leaning against someone and crying. I felt my heart being wrenched. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry this had to happen to you. You probably lost your family in that dreadful tsunami. Please don't cry anymore. There will be sunshine again. I promise.

Back home, I cried too. But for a different reason. A trivial matter compared to the tens of thousands who have lost loved ones in the earthquake. But then I, too, have lost a loved one. And I cried for him. I cried for all the memories we had. I cried because he was such a sweetheart but now I don't know if we can even be friends still. I miss him terribly. But he must never know that. Because we both need to get on with our lives. I think he has. My wound has not yet closed. After all, it's only been a month. But it feels like an eternity. You know, every time a relationship ends, part of your heart goes along with it. At the end of the day, your heart just isn't quite the same anymore. Mine certainly isn't. But life cannot come to a standstill. There is much to be accomplished. More people to encourage, more chocolate to gobble, more wedding songs to sing, more young ones to inspire, more older ones to learn from. So for the last time (even though you don't read this blog), for the very last time,

I miss you.

Ok, trying out a new hosting site for photos. Here's a pic from Lilian's housewarming party late last month. Smiles all round :)



Will post pictures of last night's wedding dinner soon. Look out for them!

The Evening in Numbers

Time I reached home - 12.30am

Number of pins in my hair - 17

Number of times I washed my hair today - 3

Former principals I saw - 2

People I hugged - 4

Time I will be sleeping - 2.30am

I fainted today. In the middle of a pedicure. That's right.

All I have to say is, thank God I was sitting down. What a way to celebrate Christmas huh? Ok, but I do believe I have to justify my fainting. And I'll bet you incredulous ones are dying to know anyway.

So I was sitting down in the chair, letting the pro fiddle with my toenails, when I started looking around. This girl came and sat in the seat next to mine and my eyes naturally zoomed in on her toes. BIG mistake. You know how our toenails are supposed to be somewhat flat with a little surface curvature? Well her big toenail was hardly flat! It was so round, it looked like a ball of plastic on her toe! And her old purple nailpolish was chipped and dirty and there were ridges and grooves on her nails. And then, when the manicurist cleaned away her nailpolish, all was revealed. She had fungus. Her nails were black and green underneath. It was waaay too much for me. Taking a deep breath, I looked on the other side of me where a middle-aged lady was sitting. Her toenails were worn and yellow and very unappealing. Not as bad as the fungus lady on my right but bad enough for me to start feeling woozy. The last time I felt like this was when I had to go for a blood test to test for suspected lupus. So I knew the feeling. Oh yes, I was all too familiar with the giddiness, followed by the blurry vision and how the world suddenly becomes tiny black and white spots and your whole body goes into pins-and-needles mode. Next symptom, the head-swing. Almost as though on cue, my head swung to the right and I had to lean it against my shoulder to stop me from losing my balance and falling off the chair. Not a pleasant experience at all. Thankfully, the manicurist thought I was sleeping. Otherwise, she might have freaked out.

I tried really hard to retain consciousness and stay alert but my body tried just as hard to succumb to the fainting spell. I remember feeling really really awful and wanting to ask the manicurist if there was a bed where I could lie down. But then I was afraid if I lay down, I might not ever get up! So I decided against it. How drama can you get?!?

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I'm ok now and there's your reason for my not being a doctor (or a manicurist for that matter). I get queasy too easily. And yes, I will faint at the sight of too much blood as well. God help me when I give birth.

Merry Christmas :)

I have to shout about this - Ladies and Gentlemen, I AM ON WIRELESS BROADBAND!!!!! I have abandoned the dial-up world and am now launched into the 21st century. Like everyone else.

Yay :)

Ok, so today was part deux of Christmas shopping and I must say that I lacked the courage to brave the crowds at Orchard Road. So I kept to what I thought was safety zone - City Hall. HAH! Safety zone my a**! Citylink Mall (where I did most of my shopping) was scaaary! You can't even breathe! And what makes it scarier is that it is subterranean. Yes. Underground. So if the whole mall collapses, we're all dead. Merry Christmas to you too. So I lugged my bags of shopping and tortured my feet in heels meant for parole violaters, and trudged the whole stretch of Citylink. I deserve a MEDAL for that. A MEDAL, I tell you!

At the end of the evening, I managed to get presents for 2 gift exchanges (frankly, I hate gift exchanges. I really do. REALLY.) and a present for Lil (who had better be pleased as punch!). Family presents have to wait till part trois. I cannot take anymore of this. Perhaps next year, I'll hire an intern to do my Christmas shopping for me. Or to wear my heels.

Managed to get an appointment in the end for a mani/pedi. On Christmas Day no less. Counting down... oh, and I finally FINALLY finished writing the song for Ernie & Wen's wedding dinner. Longest song I've ever written. I hope no one falls asleep. Will have to get to the dinner early to do my soundcheck. Am starting to get a leeeetle nervous. But then again, it's just going to be in front of 400 people. What's 400 people right?? RIGHT???? Argh!!

Ok, now I must head to the shower. And be clean. And then wrap presents. Yay.

Lesson learnt - book your mani/pedi waaay before Christmas. Too late now. I guess I'll just spruce up for New Year. Sigh.

So the day after my retreat, I met up with friends for coffee at Essential Brew at Holland Village. It's got a cool concept upstairs where you take off your shoes and lounge on cushions on a wooden floor. The drinks are not too bad... can't give them an overwhelming review yet cos I've only tasted the Tea Latte (which was passable). The decor and ambience made up for whatever the drinks lacked (which wasn't much). It was a nice, cosy place, designed for a good catch-up with your mates or a gossip fest with the babes. Groovy.

We then headed to the Adam Road hawker centre to meet Andrew and his companion for the evening ;) Was positively stoned by then (since it was midnight and I'd had a full day at work) so I didn't even bother to contribute to meaningful conversation. I've hardly been getting enough sleep since the retreat. We had a journalist over for lunch today at the hotel and she commented that I looked like I haven't slept in 2 days! Which is actually how I felt anyway.

I will have an early night tonight. After all, I need to catch up on 2 days of sleep.

I'm back from my retreat. Now there's nothing else to look forward to for the rest of the year : (

I think life is made up of little chunks. There should always be something to look forward to in each chunk. And then once that chunk is up, you await the next one and the thing to look forward to.

This is the last chunk of the year. I wonder what awaits me next year.

I'm going for a retreat tomorrow! It's 11.30pm and I have yet to pack! As I proudly (if not a bit arrogantly) told my dad in the car earlier, "Even when I left for Australia for a year at a go, I only packed 2 days before! I'm an expert at packing!"

I also love to procrastinate.

So anyway, you won't find me blogging over the weekend. Have a good one, y'all! Catchya when I get back!!

8)

"Where Do You Find Love?"

Melissa, you find love in a Fairy Tale

Glass slippers, traveling minstrels, knights in shining armor. These are some of the classic components of fairy tales. And when it comes to your real-life love life, you'll take 'em in the form of candy and flowers, poems describing your beauty, tiny velvet boxes, and the like. Whether you are single or settled, you're a firm believer that the fairy tale shouldn't end when someone is carried over the threshold (though that's a pretty fun part, too).You sometimes have to work to get your head out of the clouds, but your optimistic spirit and love-conquers-all attitude helps you deal with the good and bad that life might throw your way. As long as you can spot a poison apple when it knocks on your door, you'll always be able to find your happy ending.

Heh. Who would've thought? I guess I am still very much a handsome-knight-in-shining-armour type of girl.

I think everyone who's been in and out of love must have experienced the feeling of relief and release at one stage or another.

I sometimes wonder how two people can stay in a relationship for so long. And then get married. It baffles me. Probably because I've never been in a relationship that lasted more than a year. But then I always wonder if there's something wrong with me. How come I don't seem to be able to sustain a relationship that long? Was I not also made to be loved?

Lord, it's hard to trust You to provide but the strange thing is that unless You provide, I won't be truly happy.

Sundays are depressing. Because you know you have to go back to work the next day. And for someone who works 5 1/2 days, you never seem to get enough rest. I'm really really looking forward to the weekend retreat. As of now, I have 2 days of leave left. For next year. The screwed up Human Resources department never fails to amaze me. Staff welfare is like ZILCH at my office and the only things they try to do are organise monthly birthday parties (which my boss and I never hear about) where a handful of people go to eat cold samosas, chicken wings and drink Fanta orange in 1.5L bottles. Oh, and they also try to organise trips to Malacca or something.. which NOBODY goes for and so they eventually cancel it. In the first place, we don't have enough leave to spare to go to Malaysia Truly Asia. Secondly, even if we DID have leave, we wouldn't want to spend it with people from work!! Do they not understand that??? I rarely call people stupid because I don't think people should be called that. Everyone is intelligent in one way or another. BUT, I have to say that my HR department does suffer from a mild case of stupidity (there, I was nice. I said "mild" even though I meant "severe").

But enough griping about the above-mentioned department. The New Year is coming and I have to resolve to be a better person. As I always do each year. And always fail miserably. There's something about making resolutions. It's jinxed I tell you. If you don't say it out loud, you'd probably be able to do it but once you RESOLVE to do it, it's bye bye baby.

I'm getting used to being alone. Now and then, I cry the mandatory tear (as you must for the next 3 or so months) and my heart feels like it's being wrenched and battered. But aside from all the drama, I'm fumbling along, trying not to be melodramatic about it and resisting the urge to get help. I don't need help anyway, I'm Superwoman.

Yes I am.

I just came back from Bethany Mission Home. Or was that Bethany Methodist Home? Anyway, it's a nursing home under the care of the Methodist Welfare Services. We went there to perform at their little Christmas concert (read previous post) and I think the residents really liked it.

So the minute I arrived and stepped into the chapel, I started tearing. Wimp. I always cry when I'm at a nursing home. Cried my way through "Morning Has Broken" in Primary 6, sobbed at a nursing home in Albany, WA, and now this. My friend asked me if I ever thought about joining a ministry that reaches out to old people. I don't think I would. I mean, if I'm gonna cry every time I see them, I'd be pretty poor company don't you think? They'd be like, "why is this girl always so sad to see us??" But the fact of the matter is - I'm selfish. I don't want to commit myself to them because I know they don't have much time. And I don't want to be heartbroken when they pass on. Aren't I disgusting? I'm afraid I'll be hurt but I'm thinking only of ME. I just can't bring myself to give a bit of my heart to them. It's pathetic. I'm ashamed of myself.

See, now I don't even know how to end this post. I guess I'll just crawl into a hole and hide for a century. Selfish me again. Sigh.

It's raining so very hard. This signals the start of the December monsoon season for us in the tropics.

I received my first 2 Christmas cards today. The first was from our ad agency, Dentsu Singapore. I have to say that they are a fantastic bunch to work with. I really enjoy working with each and every one of them. They're such nice people too, none of the bitchy stereotypical advertising types. All nice and down-to-earth. The second card was from dear Cheryl (and it was a very sparkly one too!). I shall bring it to work and peg it in front of my desk.

Wedding dinners coming up. Cousin's having one at the Singapore Art Museum and then there's Ernie's and Wen's on Boxing Day at the Conrad. It's so strange seeing all the wedding photos and hearing all the wedding talk about Ernie's and Wen's big day cos for us in Singapore, it's like it hasn't happened yet :) Well, it'll be a second round of celebrations for them and it'll be so great to see everyone again!

I'm doing some dance thing at an old folk's home tomorrow. I've always had a soft spot for old people. I really hope that our dance will bring some joy to their day and that they'lll be touched by the sharing of the gospel. With older people, you can't help but think that time is so limited. Age seems to make that so painfully clear to us.

I'm looking forward to the retreat at the end of the year where I can kick back and try to relax. I want to go into 2005 right. Unfortunately, I will have to be at the hotel for the countdown and I don't consider starting the year at your workplace with your colleagues and bosses right. It's far from right. I'd rather sleep through the countdown at home.

Oh well, you win some, you lose some.

I got a number of compliments today at work, with various people commenting that I look different, something about looking good but not being able to place their finger on what it was exactly. Some people thought my eyes looked bigger, some thought I had blush on (which was really surprising because I wear blush everyday...). But the consensus was that I was looking better but they didn't know what it was about me.

Well my friends, I'll let you in on the secret :) It's Bobbi Brown's limited edition Shadow Basics Eye Palette. Yes, you heard it here first. Hailed the LBD (read: little black dress) of makeup, this eyeshadow compact comes with 3 colours - bone, tan and espresso. Upon correct application (check out the Bobbi Brown link on this blog), your entire countenance will be magically transformed and you'll never look back (obscure pun not intended).

And now, you'll just have to go share this secret :)

Took the day off today and spent the most part of it with Lil. We had lunch at Sushi Tei in Holland Village then headed down to Orchard Road for a bit of shopping. She bought a book and I bought an eyeshadow compact from Bobbi Brown. You can tell which one of us is the intellectual and which is the bimbo ;) oh, and I also bought transparent mascara. But then she bought an eyelash curler, so I guess we're even :)

Been home alone the past week because my entire family has been having fun in Myanmar. They're back tomorrow so tonight's my last night alone. I'm relieved actually. Don't ask me why. I'll probably regret saying this tomorrow!

Taking the day off was a great idea. I'd love to take more days off. Like tomorrow, the day after, and the day after that. Heck, let's not ever work again!

Yum.

Alone at home again.

Spent the day shopping with some of my cell people. Well I didn't shop... I was more the fashion consultant (read: "is this ok?" "yes, it's perfect" "Should I get the black or the gold?" "Black. The gold makes you look like a Christmas present"). So that was fun. But heavy on the footwork.

I have aching thigh muscles now because I didn't stretch before dance practice yesterday. Stretched my calves but somehow forgot about the thighs... so now, calves are fine, thighs are sooore..... ouch...

Yum.

Ho hum.

What shall I do tonight? Get drunk? Perhaps. Am on leave tomorrow anyway :)))

Cool.

Yum.

Ernie and Wen got married today. Wish I could have been there. Well, I have to get my song ready by Christmas cos their dinner in Singapore is on Boxing Day. I need to plan the schedule right.. have to go to the spa, get my hair done, rehearse the song item... now I'm stressed :) And I guess it's a bit of a bittersweet feeling. I wonder when it'll ever be my turn. If it ever does happen..

I'm pathetic.. ugh... : (

CONGRATULATIONS TAUFIK!!!!!
You deserved it!!!

Haha.. I never thought I'd go crazy over Singapore Idol but I did!! And now Singapore has its VERY OWN IDOL!!! And a fantastic one at that. Taufik Batisah is one AMAZING singer. And I mean AMAZING!!! You truly deserved to win and I'm glad Singapore chose wisely when it mattered.

I'm a happy gal :)