I'm feeling so overwhelmed at the moment. I wonder if I made the right decision to take on so many responsibilities at a go. LEAP is certainly taking its toll on me. Even though we meet just once a month, there are book reviews and assignments to hand in. Apart from that, there's the publicity campaign for our year-end retreat that I'm supposed to be in charge of and have done absolutely nothing about. We are also working on the 4th issue of Adhesive at present and there's the Psalmist worship conference coming up. I'm so ready to throw in the towel and scream. I get emails or phone calls everyday asking me about Adhesive matters or retreat and LEAP stuff and there have been so many times I stopped myself from shooting a curt email back to tell them to do whatever they want cos I just can't be bothered anymore.

I'm so tired. It's different from when I was in uni and I could do church stuff concurrently cos back then, uni didn't tire you out like work does now. I'm finding it really tough to come back and work on more stuff for church when I've just had a long tiring day battling the big bad world. It's so draining. All I want to do when I come home is veg out. I want to have my dinner, watch some TV, check my email, play some guitar and go to bed. I don't have the energy to read a thought-provoking book for my book review, plan out publicity campaigns and collate, write and edit articles for the newsletter. I just don't. Especially not when I seem to work 12-hour days.

What is my primary goal? To be a good employee? A great writer? Facilitator? Coordinator? What? Is church work primary or secondary? Is it church work or is it supposed to be a lifestyle? Is this what a burnout is? I'm so tired. I really need a holiday. I know I've said it before but I really really mean it.

I need a break.

Before I breakdown.

Again.

There is absolutely no easy way of saying this. It just goes to prove the age-old theory that swimmers can't run and runners can't swim. Shucks, now I just have to find some swimming competition to prove that I can swim.

Anyway, for those of you who are interested, we came in LAST!!!!! Yay!!! Heh. My dad calls us Weekend Warriors. Monday to Friday, sit in air-con office. Sunday, we try to run as if we've been doing this forever. No amount of warm-ups or pep talks could have salvaged the situation. Man, those girls from the other hotels were huge! We also ran into a last-minute hiccup where our last runner strained her leg in her 400m race and had to sit out the relay. So we had to make a sub and got one of the reserves who hadn't trained with us and hadn't prepared to run at all today. Came as quite a blow to us cos our last runner was our star runner. Oh well, someone needs to come in last right? Hahaha..

Alright, some pictures from this morning:


Team photo


Random shot


Me doing my stretches but obviously checking out some eye candy. Haha..

What does a girl do with an invite to Zouk's Very Xotic lingerie party? Her brother had hoped she would take him with her. Unfortunately for him, she did not feel the same way. So armed with curiosity and her best friend, she made her way down to the club, looking forward to a night of girly fun.

Once there, they joined a long snaking queue (well, neither are privileged members who get privileged entry) which moved surprisingly fast. Along the way, she kicked (accidentally) a number of steel barriers in a rather unglamourous way and whispered to her friend that it was her virgin visit to Zouk. Somewhat appalled, her friend told her not to say that so loudly. And you could understand why. 25 years and this was her first visit to what is arguably the hottest nightspot in town. Where has she been all these years? Well, namely Wala Wala, Alley Bar, Thumper.. ok, but that's another story.

So they went in and ended up in the queue (and they were very focused about it too) for every girl's wildest fantasy - devilishly delicious chocolate ice cream. It was the best chocolate ice cream they had had in a long time. Generously handed out by the team from Awfully Chocolate, no less. Having filled their tummies, they went on to get free express manicures at the Strip booths and had their nails painted a chic coral and apple pie brown. The show started soon after and, to their amusement, they witnessed raunchy lap dances and a fashion show. Her friend was convinced some of the models were really male but she thought they just had strong jawlines.

Anyway, she met another friend there and the three of them ended up at Wine Bar after the show and had some beers and cocktails. Met some more people there and the trio spent most of the night talking to an American friend. So it was a night of friends and friends having fun and chatter and a little bit of booze.

I had a nice time. My hair still smells of cigarette smoke despite having washed it three times. Slept the whole day and will be running my 4x100m relay tomorrow. Ugh. I have to be at Bukit Gombak stadium at 8am. Ugh. Oh well, some weekend huh.

Thanks for your concern, everyone. I'm a little more sane today. Still a bit shellshocked though. I just want to get on with life.

Started my first Japanese lesson today. Shucks. Don't remember much. Oh well, I guess that's why it's going to take sooooo long. Allll the way till December. Eeep.

Tomorrow I have training. As in the kind where you have to run. The race is this Sunday and I'm pretty nervous. Frankly, we have less chance of winning than an Eskimo has of buying a refrigerator. But that's what courage is all about isn't it? Going into the battlefield knowing you're going to be absolutely slaughtered, but still going in anyway.

Oh, I think there's a fine line between pessimism and realism. Especially since the world ain't a pretty place these days.

I had a really bad day with little peeks of sunshine here and there. Started out bad because of unresolved conflict between the boss and the slave (me lah). Conflict got resolved eventually but at the end of the work day, my mother decided to go missing. It's a long story but we found her eventually. But not before I played out so many scenarios in my head. What if she wandered into the middle of the road and got run down by a car? Or if some thugs mugged her? Or maybe she walked and walked and walked and got lost?

By the time we found her, I was both relieved and agitated. And I needed to release all that pent up frustration. So I went to my room, closed the windows and door and screamed into my pillow. And I screamed and screamed and used my pillow to hit the wall and various other unbreakable things. I was breaking down. If I had had my Valium at home, I would have taken it. Note to self - now that I have 2 packs, I really should leave one at home.

The next bit is the worst bit. My mom heard me screaming. And I heard her laughing at me outside. The worst thing happened after that. I flung the door open and screamed at her, pillow still in hand. I'm not proud of that. Of course I regret it. But at that precise moment of anger and pain, when she laughed at me, I lost it. Something inside me snapped and I lashed out in unprecedented anger. I love her. But I lost my head and yelled at her. That was not cool. And I'm not afraid to admit that I shouldn't have done that.

I'm not sure if I'm okay. Screaming at my mom affected me quite a bit. I'm a little dazed still. And yes, I'm also worried about my own mental health. I can't believe I'm blogging about this so candidly. But here you go, me at my most vulnerable.

Oh, I did mention little peeks of sunshine didn't I? Well, they came from people who showed concern for Mom when I told them she was missing. Anyway, I should probably go rest my swollen eyes. I think I've gone bonkers enough for the day.

I've got issues.

You know how when things get so bad you only have 2 options? Either you stay put and do something about it or you leave and look for something better?

I asked my dad the other day (cos you know, my dad's the fountain of wisdom) if he ever dreaded going to work. He said no. And I told him I did. That I dread going to work almost every single day. And he said, "oh". And that was it.

I think he wants me to be happy but he also doesn't want me to screw up my life. I have a stable job now and I think he's happy that I'm somewhat secure. Even though I earn so little the Singapore Government doesn't think it necessary (or humane) to tax me.

Speaking of the Singapore Government, I was watching the first part of PM Lee's National Day Rally. FWAH! The man speaks Malay like it's his mother tongue! I didn't stick around for the Tamil, Chinese and English sections but I thought he sounded quite decent. Was pleasantly surprised. So as Prime Minister, you get to learn many dialects. And I'm sure many languages too. Wah... that's quite cool hor? Like that I also want to be Prime Minister. I wonder if I need a certificate of eligibility...

Our Regional Director came by my desk the other day and saw a copy of The Peak on my table. She asked, "Who's that cute guy on the cover?", to which I turned at stared at her in mock horror. Without skipping a beat, she started laughing and tried to explain that she wasn't wearing her glasses. The guy on the cover (whom we shall not name, to save the face of these high society business people) was most definitely NOT cute. He was balding though. Not in the sexy Bruce Willis way. More in the Yun Nam Hair Care "before" pictures way. But it was really funny cos she's always teasing me about my taste in men and now it was my turn to tease her about hers! I promised to keep a look out for sexy Yun Nam men for her. Hahaha.

In other news, I'm rethinking the possibility of a career in publishing. Methinks I have what it takes to be a magazine writer, no? I certainly am not getting much satisfaction from my current job. Perhaps I'd be more fulfilled if I actually saw my work in print. Month after month. After month. The few times I got published, it felt pretty darn good. Or maybe it's just an ego thing.

Or maybe I'm just fickle.

Fickle fickle fickle.

I still feel like throwing up. Returned to work today and had to face a pre-menstrual boss. Didn't help the nausea one bit. Plus, someone made me feel guilty for not going for training today (the 4x100m finals are next Sunday). I told her I had a fever yesterday and wasn't well enough yet. She said, "that was yesterday". Someone please remind me why I'm doing this???

On a lighter note, I was just looking through some old photos from secondary school days. Mostly I was laughing my head off but the recurrent thought running through my mind was, Why was I so devoid of style??? I mean, gosh, look at the clothes I was wearing! And the HUGEASS glasses!! Aha, no way you're gonna get me to post those photos here. Those are meant for private viewing pleasure only. And no, it most certainly did not alleviate my nausea either. I feel like puking even more now. Retch.

It was such a trip down memory lane, it was. My mom was in some of those photos. She still looked normal then... *wistful smile*... I'm so envious of people who have moms they can have conversations with. Who understand what they are saying. Who talk back. Who scold. Alzheimer's is so damaging you know. And my mom is so young to have Alzheimer's. Strangely, I don't have many memories of her as a normal mom. I don't remember what it was like. But I guess it's pointless to go along the "I wish.." line. I should make good with what I have now. God knows I'm not gonna have her for very long. I thank God for my family though. It's very very difficult, going through all this s***. But I could not have asked for a better family. I love them a lot.

Thank You God for Pa, Mummy and Kor.

I guess it's retribution. I'm sick. Knew I shouldn't have blogged that last entry.

Sigh.

But it's not too bad, this fever I'm having. It's pretty mild, except for the horrible back ache and chest pain that comes with it. Chest pain was so bad last night that I was punching myself with my fist. Like Tarzan. Ironic, isn't it?

In any case, I'm due back in the office tomorrow. One more day of rest would have been great but I guess the doctor thought otherwise.

Oh well, I should enjoy whatever rest time I have left. Now if only the back ache would go away. Far, far away...

Has anyone seen the latest Nike reincarnate ad with the Chinese dude? How yummy is he?!?! I do think my tastes veer towards the Asian man. Notice I didn't say Singaporean. We all know how disappointing they are. Ouch. Heh. My friends are all excluded from this remark, of course.

So I know this topic has been done to death but here's my two cents' worth on why I think Singaporean men just don't cut it:

1. Gentlemen, gentlemen.

Now, before I get hammered by guys who insist they still open doors for ladies, I'm not talking about that. That is sooo Level One. And that is exactly it. They hold the door open for us and they think it's a heckuva big deal. Being a gentleman is all in the attitude. It's about the outward shows of respect and the inward mindset of placing the interests of your date before yours. Mind you, it's not about wimpy concessions. It's an active process of choosing to do what's best for her. Like perhaps not staying out too late because she has to work the next day. Or going to a restaurant nearer her home so she doesn't have to travel too far. These are examples. I'm not saying they should be put into practice. Merely examples.

2. Big money! Big money! *cue whirring of Wheel of Fortune*

The ego is a fragile thing isn't it? Especially when it comes to our men. It's kinda sweet how they feel they MUST provide for their woman like Tarzan kills deer for Jane. Boys, listen up. Have you been paying attention to the UOB Lady's Card ads? Or perhaps you've seen the DBS Woman's Card ads? You see, boys, the average Singaporean woman is becoming increasingly self-sufficient, complete with high spending power and a chequebook she could whip out as fast as you could shout "Referee kayu!!". We don't need your money and we don't need you to prove that you've got money. So relax and give us more of your time. We'll take care of the cheque ;)

3. Say what??

Our boys are very good at making money (see point number 2). However, they're not great at much else. In other words, they're not very clued in. It's one thing to be hardworking and quite another to be intelligent and well-versed in general knowledge. And I'm not talking about memorising the capital cities of each country on the map, or knowing by heart the names of each President. And, God forbid, I'm not talking about spewing Shakespeare. I couldn't think of anything more revolting. Actually, I could, but that's another story. Boys, you gotta read up more. Take a more genuine interest in the world around you, rather than the paycheck you're gonna get at the end of each month. Or whether Chelsea will bow out with their tail between their legs and their manager's foot in his mouth.

I think I've said just about enough. Any more and I'm gonna get hate mail (I think I might already get some). Once again, I stress that these are MY views only. The rest of the Singapore girls out there are probably sweet and subservient and nothing like me. So don't worry guys. Keep doing what you're doing. It'll keep crazy girls like me away from you.

Alright *retracts claws* here's a last minute attempt to salvage the situation. I think our boys are endearing. Yes you are. You are sweet in a totally clueless way. There, don't say I didn't stick up for you. If anything, you're all so honest in such a heartlander way. It's truly endearing. Makes you genuine.

Ok, I'm starting to feel the dagger stares. It's really freaking me out. I should shut up.

Mmmmpphh... zip.

Once in a while, it's refreshing to blog about good stuff happening at work. The good news is, I'll be starting Japanese classes on Tuesday from 6-8pm at the hotel. And, get this, it's FREE. So, at the end of two months, I will have a certificate and hopefully some idea of how to converse in basic Japanese. And hopefully, my Japanese vocabulary will go beyond "kawaii!!!"

I'm hopeless, aren't I?

There's something to be said for men in uniform. And men who fly planes. Military planes, especially. Yes yes, I was ogling. Heh. It's my favourite part of the National Day Parade anyway ;) I love the bit where the contingents line the ground and march past and do all their groovy gun salutes and stuff. And I love the aerial display of the F-16s and Chinooks and other aircraft. After that part, it's just downhill all the way.

And by downhill, I'm talking about all the not-too-funky formations by "lions", "butterflies", "micedeer"(!), "various other flora and fauna" that perform the mandatory run-ins and dances. I mean, seriously, who in their right mind would want to dress up as a mousedeer and dance on camera? In front of a live audience? Who are probably laughing their asses off at them? But I'm probably not giving enough credit to them. I mean, these people put in hours and hours of practice for months at a stretch and all they get are goodie bags and the chance to be humiliated on national TV. These are the real heroes of our nation. These are the people who say, "I don't care if 4 million people laugh their asses off at me. It's my country's birthday and I'm proud to be a mousedeer today!" You guys are the backbone of our country. What would we do without you? For that, I sir-loot you all!

That said, it's an annual tradition for Dad, Bro and myself to watch the parade in glee and take every opportunity to make fun of anything we see. Not that it's hard to do. They practically serve it up on a platter with all their funny moves. This year, we had a "how-lian" showcase of all our armoured vehicles going past the Padang. It was basically like Chingay. Anyway, there was this vehicle that went past with men in camouflage - the whole combat gear and gas mask affair - and this guy was holding what looked like some sort of gun and pretending to spray "chemicals" left and right. It was so hilarious! I'll bet he's glad he was wearing a mask. I would want to destroy all evidence of me doing that if I were him.

But it's always fun, NDP. I love watching it. And I'll say it again, men in uniform are gorgeous! But it's just the uniform lah. Once they put on their civvies again, it just doesn't work. And to all those who worked so hard to put up such a funny show for us to watch, gun sir-loots to all of you! You are duh best!

Happy Birthday Singapore!

It's National Day today. So far, I've spent the day in the most disgusting way possible. I woke up past 10am, had hotcakes for brekkie, went back to bed, went online, went back to bed, woke up past 3pm for lunch (filet-o-fish) and went back to bed. I've had Macca's two meals in a row! Gross!! And eating and sleeping and eating and sleeping? That's worse!!

But I like ;)

Anyway, as punishment (and also because I haven't been doing it for a while), I'm going for a jog. Provided the filet-o-fish doesn't jump out of the inner reaches of the abyss that is my stomach.

Ilikejoggingilikejoggingilikejoggingilikejoggingilikejoggingilikejoggingilikejoggingilikejogging.

Nope, didn't work. I still don't like it. But I have to do it. Have to have to have to.

Sunset Way, here I come.

Ugh.

I am in a very bad mood. I was thinking of not blogging about it but then I thought, whatthehey, what's the use of my blog if I can't rant on it?

So I am in a bad mood because I received a note from someone telling me that she had an issue with me. Which is fine, I appreciate the honesty. Except that she said the incident happened a week ago and that now she was over it. Ok. Here's where it started to get me a little annoyed. I think that if you have an issue with me, you should let me know. Pronto. Let's nip it in the bud, resolve it there and then. Not wait a week when you're over it, then come tell me that you were unhappy with me.

And she wrote that it was a really small incident that she shouldn't have got upset over because it was so silly anyway. Basically, her problem with me was over a remark I passed in jest during a game of Bridge. But she had had a long day at work and she wasn't feeling all that chipper. Fine, I understand that. I have those days too. But here's the killer - a few days before the incident, I had sent her an sms out of the blue, just telling her that I was very encouraged by her and her passion for the underprivileged and basically cheering her on to keep doing the great stuff that she's doing. In the note she wrote me, she said she was so disappointed at my change in attitude. That I could be so encouraging a few days before and make such a nasty remark a few days later. I was really upset about that. Firstly, I don't even remember the remark I made during the Bridge game. When I asked the other players who were there, they recalled that it was when she had played her cards wrongly and we all teased her about it. So ok, I teased her. I acknowledge that. But to put me down and say that she couldn't believe my extreme attitudes? I was really upset.

The other thing I did not appreciate was her digging up the past. She asked if I made that remark because I bore a grudge against her for the time she betrayed my trust (a long time ago). I mean, ?!?!? What?? What has my teasing her got to do with this other thing a long time ago?? And it was just a silly Bridge game. I teased her because she played her cards wrong. Not because she told my ex-boyfriend something I had told her in confidence. I mean, any normal person can tell that these two things are VERY un-related.

So at the end of it, I tried my best to ignore her. She said the note was not meant in any negative way. I'm sure it wasn't. Just that it wasn't delivered in the most positive way either. Neither was it an intelligent, properly thought-through process. I told her that I would have a talk with her. But not today. Not now. Not when I'm still peeved. And upset. I mean, she made me cry! The last person who made me cry was my ex and he was a jerk. She is one of the last people I expected to bring me to tears.

I am still trying to come to terms with the whole thing. I still think it's stupid and trivial. I think it's a mountain out of a molehill. But I think that such situations are a test of my character. How I respond to her is going to speak volumes about me as a person who's also a forgiven sinner. I may be hurt by her and upset with her actions but we both live on the same grace given to us by the same Father. And I just need to learn how to exhibit that grace. I'm not running away from any responsibility here. I know I must have hurt her for her to have written those words and I know I must apologise for that. At the same time, I feel really wronged. But that's where self-righteousness comes in, I guess. And that's where I need to look beyond myself. Beyond the holier-than-thou attitude. Somehow, it's a lot harder this time. It's a lot harder to forgive because I really feel very wronged. Deep down inside, I haven't accepted that it's my fault. But since when has reconciliation and forgiveness been about who's at fault?

Ok, I think I'm a lot calmer now. Typing all this out has helped me in my thought process somehow. It's been therapeutic. Now I just need to touch base with the One who's going to see me through this.

Life is not a bed of roses.

No matter what your age at present, as long as you are Singaporean, the Loudhailers Associated Union of Singapore Armed Irritants (LAUSAI) will have you know that you are FORTY years old this year. Yes, FORTY. That's a four plus a tee. FOR-TY.

It seems that I can't escape. There is evidence of LAUSAI everywhere. It has left its traces on the TV screens, radio, newspaper... everywhere! For me, a twentysomething year-old to have LAUSAI stuffing its message in my face that I am FOR-TY is a little annoying. Just a leeeetle annoying.

But I know, I risk being labelled ungrateful, unpatriotic, or worse, un-PAP *gasp!*. I actually have nothing against the achievements and advancements of our FOR-TY year-old nation. I guess the hoo-ha is what the prelude to a big birthday bash should be.

Ok ok, the real reason I'm annoyed is because of the irritating MTV that's being aired over and over and over again, with Rui En and Taufik trying their darndest to sing, look adorable and reach for the skies all at the same time (which is no mean feat, I must say). And that somehow sets off the propaganda alarm bells in my head, telling me that once again, on the 9th of August, my emotions will be toyed with and beat about like a rag doll, akin to what happens when I watch NKF Charity Shows. Which is why I don't watch them.

I don't like to cry. But somehow when I watch the NDP, I always wind up a little teary. And that annoys me. I don't like my emotions all rollercoaster like that. Hmmph!

So ah, don't say I'm not patriotic or *gasp!* un-PAP ah. Sudden thought came to mind - if the good name of the PAP were to ever be tainted, would it be called a PAPsmear? I am actually a closet Singapore cheerleader. Very very closet. But cheerleader nonetheless. And so, as part of my civic duty this year (and also because it actually touched my heart), I have decided to join in raising this appeal for Samsui lady Mdm How to get a ticket to watch the NDP. Please go have a looksee at Mr Miyagi's blog (or rather, 'glob') for the fuller version. Please, if any of you have spare NDP tix, do let Mdm How have one at least. She helped build our country. Literally. The least we could do is to give her a ticket to the NDP right?

So in the midst of all the wonderful chaos LAUSAI is causing, I hope we all look beyond the fanfare and the fireworks and really thank God for the wonderful nation we've been blessed with.

The writer means no disrespect towards the PAP in any way. In fact, white is her favourite colour. In fact, she loves to wear white with white with white. In fact, she secretly thinks they're doing a fabulous job of running the country. And no, it is not a white lie.

I was watching Ed on cable tonight. It was this episode where Molly was wondering if the guy she fancied - Jim - liked her as well. After many dates, which made her feel more like his buddy than his lover, she decided that he didn't feel the same way for her. And she cried. And she told him they should just get on with their lives and she would stop hoping for something to happen between them. And then he kissed her. And she was ecstatic.

And then I cried.

Because I wished that I could feel that too. That there would be that someone whom I would have feelings for and who would feel the same for me.

And then I stopped crying.

Because it's just periodic. The crying, that is. I get these spurts sometimes. Most of the time, I'm carrying on with life happily. Once in a while, the lonely pangs hit and the sadness kicks in. But it's just once in a while. There are plenty of things to be happy about. Like chocolate :)

Mmm... chocolate... :)

I am definitely paying the price for over-exerting my body. I could hardly move today. Each step I took was excruciating. At times, I would feel a stabbing pain through my calves and hamstrings. It took me almost a minute to walk from the glass door at the entrance of my office to my desk. It's less than 10 metres away. I was hurting so much I contemplated not driving to work today. But standing in a jam-packed train carriage for 11 stations and then walking to the hotel was absolutely beyond me in my current state. It was so bad I wanted to call in spent today. Spent is the word. I am physically spent.

It doesn't help that I have to climb stairs at home and at work. And did I mention I'm also red? In the face and on the shoulders. And in the face again when certain colleagues were incredulous that I actually put my feet to the running track. But the Director told them to go support me at the finals. LOL. That was embarrassing. She actually sent out an email to tell everyone. So paiseh ah. She also told my boss that if she ever had a daughter, she'd want her to be like me (!!!!!). She said cos I'm so sweet she can't get angry with me even if she was. HAHAHA!!!! SWEET??? I have to start re-evaluating myself. It appears I'm not portraying a very accurate picture to others. First someone says I'm the active type. Now someone else says I'm sweet. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a bitch. LOL. Ok ok, I'm a bitch in rehab :)

Alrighty, I'm also very happy because I got myself two cds over the weekend - Silje Nergaard and Maroon 5. Nice. Silje Nergaard's name makes me want to grab a Hoegaarden. It's the whole gaard thing. Gaard. Gaaaaard. Oh man, I could really use an ice cold Hoegaaaaaarden now. Gaaaaard.

Gaaaaaaard.